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August 17, 2017
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The historic eclipse is drawing near, you're gonna wanna make sure your friends are the lucky blinded ones.

For the first time in 99 years, a total solar eclipse will cross the continental United States, stretching from South Carolina to Oregon. This Monday, millions of Americans will have the chance to watch this humbling astronomical event.

Typically, many untrained onlookers suffer solar retinopathy, a condition that occurs after bright lights flood the back of the retina, causing permanent blindness, as the awesome spectacle of the eclipse leaves a lasting mark on those who truly witness it’s glory. Here are six clever ways to make sure your friends are part of this illustrious crowd.

#1- Windex Their Contacts

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Before your friends start their big day, Windex their contact lenses to remove any debris or residue that may have gotten on them in the packaging process, ensuring they’ll see clearly for the big moment and only the big moment.


#2 - Get Those Eyes Hot

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Given that the sun is hot, you’ll want to make sure your friend’s eyes are very warm when the time comes. Remember to thoroughly warm your friends’ eyes (for potential strategies, see: mother birds, bears, or just try starting a fire honestly).


#3 - Dress Like a Pretty Lady

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At some point in the pre eclipse festivities, go off somewhere secluded and return dressed like a beautiful woman, causing all your friends’ eyes to shoot out like they’re tantalized cartoon wolves. This will also loosen them up for the big moment, allowing the eyes to be physically closer to the sun.


#4 - Give Them Glaucoma

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Whether creating a serum that induces the condition or simply augmenting their DNA, glaucoma will ensure everything they see seems like the cloudy night sky. Your friends are gonna be so aware of this eclipse, crazy visible, but then never again.


#5 - Just Full On Windex Their Eyes

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Their contacts have almost definitely gotten dirty throughout the day, especially when their eyes were outside of their skulls. With the eclipse rapidly approaching, now is the perfect time to do a final clean up. Spray directly onto their eyes and wipe with a fairly clean towel if possible.


#6 - Enjoy the Eclipse with Your Pals

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It’s now the big moment, and this eclipse will be sure to finish off any of their remaining vision. To make sure your friends fully enjoy, strap them into their favorite chair and hook those eyeballs open. You and your friends will never forget this incredible event in space and time.

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