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June 25, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Obama’s deputy campaign manager said that Mitt Romney “created the practice of outsourcing American jobs overseas.” Romney’s campaign discredited her claim but said it’s always nice to get a compliment.

On Sunday, Mitt Romney adviser Tim Pawlenty said he doesn’t understand why super PAC donors can’t speak at campaign events. Because it’s bad enough corporations can’t speak afor themselves.

Reese Witherspoon will star in a film adaptation of the book, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” Witherspoon said she’s just excited about making a science fiction movie.

A Chili’s waitress was reportedly fired for posting on Facebook, “Next time you tip me $5 on a $138 bill, don’t even bother coming in cause I’ll spit in your food and then in your fuckig [sic] face you cheap bastards!!!!!!!!!” Chili’s apologized, saying they don’t know who trained her to wait for a customer’s second visit to spit in their food.

Obama’s health care reform law is opposed by a majority of Americans, though they support many of its provisions, according to a new poll. Then again, a majority of Americans also oppose exercise.

A candidate belonging to the Muslim Brotherhood has been declared the winner of Egypt’s presidential election. Causing the U.S. to wonder if it will have to start another uprising.

Saudi Arabia will allow women to participate in the Olympics for the first time ever. And by “allow,” they mean “threaten with a pile of rocks.”

A TSA agent at JFK airport caused an entire terminal to be evacuated after he realized his metal detector was unplugged. The TSA agent said he first noticed there was a problem “when the thing didn’t light up and make the noise—the good noise.”

Alex Trebek suffered a minor heart attack over the weekend. Trebek said the worst part was waiting for the ambulance to arrive.

Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky was convicted on 45 out of 48 counts of sexual abuse late Friday night. Penn State was upset since those were the best numbers he’s produced in years.