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July 02, 2013
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The hairstyle that defined a couple of uneventful years looks to resurface.

 LOS ANGELES, CA -It was the turn of the millennia when the world first got a glimpse of the now iconic “fauxhawk”; a styling where the top-center of hair is propped up to mimic a mohawk — sans the punkrock commitment of shaving the sides.  The versatile look, originally popularized by Soccer Spice, David Beckham, was quickly adopted by eminent male groups of the era, ranging from sportybros to club bros to other more random bros.

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“It was a special thing because you didn’t have to be from the sameclique, you know?”  remarked Chase Reynolds, a mixed martial arts enthusiast from Huntington Beach, CA.  “When you saw another dude fauxing [sic] you’d just kind of give him a nod.  It was all good.”

And now it looks like it might be all good for a fauxhawk comeback, according to steampunk barber, Syko Filben.

“More people are asking for it and, personally, I’m excited,” said Filben, himself sporting a relaxed variation on the cut called a euro-hawk.  “You just get tired of doing fades and smoking cigarettes all day,” Filburn added, exhaling a wispy cloud of American Spirit.

But not everyone shares Syko’s excitement, including, Karen Henderson, a marketing director from Chicago, IL.

“I thought it was cool for about a minute,” said Henderson.  “Back when I used to use hyperbole like about a minute.”

Cultural Anthropologist, Dr. Henry Singer, studies hairstyles around the world and supports the idea that the fauxhawk bridged a divide.  “It’s really the unifier of haircuts because it was represented in so many different ethnic groups at the height of its fashion; whites, [sic] Hispanics, Asians, and Middle Easterners being the biggest adopters.  Not so much with blacks though.”  Singer paused before continuing, “At least that’s what the data says…so if you think that’s racist then your fight is with the data.” Singer then abruptly walked out, ending the interview.

Whether racial undertones are a part of the fauxhawk’s architecture or not, gender tension could play a role in its ongoing survival.

Beth Grady, a twenty two year-old executive assistant who was shown a photograph of the pre-Instragram cut, just wrinkled her entire face before eking out an “Ew...”

Parents groups seem to be divided.  Some call it “cute,” while others worry about the cost of maintaining such a hairstyle.

“It’s just a conspiracy by the Vidal Sassoons of the world to get us to spend money we don’t have,” said Aimes Electric Plant Manager, Rod Billings, who also blamed the Supreme Court’s recent overturning of Prop 8 and DOMA.

Singer, who came back to the interview after ‘considering how he might come off,’ went on to criticize opposition to the resurgence, saying he believed the fauxhawk could bring people together.

“When you take the left side of your hair and comb it to meet the right, that’s a metaphor for something bigger,” said Singer.  “It’s time we stop bickering and invest in some kind of styling technology that allows people of all races and hair textures to join in the renaissance.  At least, that’s my America...”

And what a great fauxing America it would be.

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