This week’s best tweets are back for the second week in a row.
"Im going to Coachella BOTH weekends." - drug addicts— Jensen Karp (@JensenClan88) April 22, 2016
Lin-Manuel Miranda needs two different t-shirts that say "Mr. Write"? pic.twitter.com/rYnWe0Tr56— Dave King (@DaveKingThing) April 20, 2016
gf: do you want to try role playing?— Hippo (@InternetHippo) April 22, 2016
me (role playing as someone who would be into that): yes
Apparently pineapple juice makes cum taste better but for me it just ruins the pineapple juice.— Daniel Townes (@danieltownes) December 17, 2013
PREGNANT WIFE: let's have sex— Rocky Momax (@rockymomax) April 22, 2016
ME: but... but what if my penis hits the baby?
PREGNANT WIFE: [rolls her eyes so hard she goes into labor]
Baby airplane: "where do baby airplanes come from?"— Hawlk (@the_hawlk) October 31, 2015
Mommy airplane: "we push em out our airplane vaginas."
I waved to a baby who didn't wave back and her mom saw and I said:— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 21, 2016
"Sorry. I thought she was a different baby."
"Do you like Tolstoy?"— GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) April 8, 2016
"Of course. Who doesn't?"
"What's your favourite book?"
"The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him".
[7:30pm]— Phil Stamato (@pstamato) April 5, 2016
Tonight I'll actually go to bed on time and get sleep!
the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million
flirting tip: people love to talk about themselves so ask lots of questions like "is that a clip on" and "have you always been like this"— pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) April 6, 2016
A necrophiliac only has sex with corpses, but a necromancer will take them out for at least a couple of dates first.— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) April 21, 2016
McDonalds Cashier: That'll be $18— Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) April 22, 2016
*Hands Cashier $20*
Harriet to Cashier: I CAN HELP YOU ESCAPE pic.twitter.com/FM8ZVttpsG
Fetty Wap's full name is Fettuccine Washington Post— Mezrahi, Samir (@samir) October 2, 2015
Any date can be a speed date if you set the restaurant on fire.— The Pale Rider (@truegritrumble) April 5, 2016
[The start of the robot uprising]— Gαbby Durαn (@GABBYdaAngSaya) April 17, 2016
Me: WaffleBot 5000, could you please make me some waffles?
WaffleBot 5000: No
I point my gun at the bank teller and order him to fill my bag with cash but he struggles because the bag is already full of tacos.— Booze Wallet (@BoozeWallet) March 24, 2016
Success is 43% S's, 29% C's and the rest is vowels.— Guy Incognito (@ShutUpThatsWho) January 1, 2016
if there's a sock on the doorknob that means i'm fucking the other sock— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) April 22, 2016
Jimmy Buffett must just constantly have sand in his asshole— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) April 22, 2016
today someone said i look like i work at jurassic park thats the last time i were khakis and a shirt with blood on it— meatshirt (@prettysadmostly) March 21, 2016
Out of town friend visiting Chicago said he wants to have a Ferris Bueller day. So, I'm faking sick to him.— CJ Sullivan (@CJSullivan_) April 19, 2016
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll start wearing those t-shirts from Walmart.— Mike Antonucci (@noochmachine) April 22, 2016
Newsreader: "And now Tom with the weather."— Ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) February 27, 2016
Weatherman: "It's Tim, actually."
Newsreader: "Sorry. And now Tom with the tim."
Come see my one woman show. I spend an hour talking about the one woman I've slept with and how much I miss her.— yusef roach... (@yusefroach) April 19, 2016
Welcome to twitter, home of America's #1 gameshow, "Who Mourned It Best?"— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) April 21, 2016
PRINCE: why am I here?— huntigula (@huntigula) April 22, 2016
GOD: I wanted to hear 'pussy control' but couldn't find it on Spotify