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June 06, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Kroger, the largest grocery chain in America, is pushing suppliers to stop using gestation crates for pigs. Said a spokesman, "Feel free to research the crates unless you just-ate HEEEEEEEYOOO! Brought to you by your neighborhood friend, Kroger."

A new report says football fatalities have fallen while brain injuries have become more frequent. So it's finally been proven: Steroids work great.

President Obama wrote a fifth grader a note explaining to her teacher that she skipped school to meet him. The girl would've actually made it to school on time but it took Obama four hours to decide whether to write the note.

Microsoft unveiled a new way to combine your phone, tablet and Xbox. "It's called 'the garbage'! HEYYYAAAHHH! Brought to you by your neighborhood friend, Sony," said a Kroger spokesperson.

Subway is testing out nachos featuring Doritos covered in cheese and jalapeños. Hopefully you held onto those giant pants and your cry blanket, Jared.

Every state except Iowa, Nebraska, and South Dakota has forbidden the presence of the beef filler known as "pink slime" in school lunches. Shame on Iowa, as it can actually read.

Al-Qaeda's latest No. 2 has been reportedly killed during a drone strike in Pakistan. At this point, we basically just bombed a pizza delivery guy with a beard.

Every Republican senator rejected legislation that would help women get equal pay. It's okay though, most of their wives are stupid and love them.

In Arizona, a doctor was forced to leave a Barnes & Noble because he was alone in the children's section. Barnes & Noble has apologized since learning the man was from South Dakota.

A TV meteorologist was shot with a crossbow by a man who had threatened to kill him. Unfortunately for him, he just messed with the wrong weatherman.