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October 14, 2012

an article about a new, semi-autonomous child rearing tool


Are you struggling to keep your shitty fucking kids off your back? Do you ever worry that they're not watching enough television? Have your growled threats stopped working on them, and have they stopped caring if you threaten them with bodily harm? If so, then come on down to Jebb Foarman's Big Store of Crap for Absentee and Shitty Parents, located out by that one rusting tractor right before you get to the Hermndsville Road bridge on route 946 South. We've just received a shipping container full of like-new HGDXR-77 cyber nannies (fresh off-the-boat from far Chineee), and we're sure we've got one just for you.


Your very own cyber nanny will at them regularly, bemoaning the fact that they were ever even born in the first place. She'll drink seventeen light beers and pass out, so you don't have to (at least not at home). She comes factory-equipped with two whole feet of thick rubber tubing bolted to her left paw-mandible, for those daily senseless beatings. Also standard are nine separate LCD screens set in at angles and locations scientifically proven to sap your rotten spawn of the will to excel at life and coated with a waterproofing glaze that also helps to maximum the brain-numbing effects of prolonged exposure to hyper-slick, kid-oriented content. Is that not enough? Add screens to your heart's content (available for purchase at our store) using only a glue-gun, a steady hand, and a pair of crimping shears. Program your HGDXR-77's screens to all display the same show, or switch on her Wi-Fi transceiver and pipe programming in from the magical content-mills in distant Hollywood, tethering your child to yet another squawking box and training her to be a lifelong consumer. (Who needs creativity or critical thinking, anyway, when everything today is so damn easy?)


Is that still not enough? Buy and install a Mobile Maelstrom Sugary Liquid Dispenser (MSRP $79.99), which will squirt a quart of high-fructose-corn-syrup-containing juice analog into your tyke's suck-hole every hour on the hour, for up to three days. Plus, each HGDXR-77 unit comes with a simple remote control you can use to override her semi-autonomous programming and have her give that one little shit an extra wallop or ride over that other useless turd's leg with her hard rubber tank-treads. Or, download the new Cyber-Nanny app (starting at only $47.99) and really get into some bad parenting by recording drunken rants for her to play back at random, by using her many built-in cameras to violate the tattered shreds of your progeny's personal privacy, or by activating her pneumatic breeching tool to finally get your stubborn son out of the fucking downstairs closet where he's been hiding from his just desserts like a scared little bitch. Yup, my fellow shitty parents, this new model will be sure to help you mold yet another promising generation into belly-fat-gaining, expensive-tablet-phone-buying, false-economy-loving pieces of shit, just like you. So come on down to Jebb's, and pick up a cyber nanny of your own, today. (The first fifteen customers to mention this article get a free Layzee Lumpfish® tote-bag. In-house financing is available for life-weary, debt-loving wage slaves.)

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