(This is a recap. Spoilers below.)

So, by now, if you’re not a part of Kai’s cult, what the fuck are you even doing? He’s got it all: brains, athleticism, soft pinky fingers (presumably.)

But if you want to be part of the family you gotta follow the rules.

Here are 10 things, according to “Drink the Kool-Aid,” that we can say for sure Kai really, really likes - or rather, insists on.

1. Convoluted Stories

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“Holy ejaculate, Cultman!”

At the start of the episode, Kai (Evan Peters) leads us through the narratives of 20th century suicide cults, replete with doctored retro-footage and passable prosthetic makeup. It’s pretty cool, well done!

But be it Marshall Applewhite, David Koresh or the “Kanye of Leaders” Jim Jones, it seems that every cult leader is obsessed with three things: power, sugary snacks and, naturally, testicles.
Pudding, applesauce, Kool-Aid, guns (the tastiest of treats or phallic? - you choose!), castration, magic semen.

Combine one sweet treat and one penis anything and you have yourself a cult, friend!

2. Dumb Names

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This actor will recite “I was just following orders” many times in his career

Of course, Kai is telling these stories not only to the viewers, us, but to his merry band of adorable Nazis. Adorable Nazis such as Pus Bucket (who likes Crunch ‘n Munch), Tripod (who’s worried Kai wants to cut off their balls), Speed Wagon (who totally would, not that Kai would ask them to), Heart Attack, Sandstorm, Gutterball, Action, Chino, A-rab, Baby John, etc.

Kai has a dumb name for himself, too, “Divine Ruler.” (And Heart Attack had to ask if they’re in a cult or not?)

Kai gets off on speaking to his congregation and, well, it just gets him off, okay? Simple.

3. Telling People What To Do

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Just another boring day in government

Kai doesn’t just want to control his own followers. At city council, he attempts and succeeds in passing legislation that would limit his constituents’ internet consumption. He’s specifically interested in CNN, NBC (fake news), pornography (for desensitizing young men) and Candy Crush (for distracting moms from toiling, supposedly.) He accomplishes this by targeting members of the council and beating them up. Intimidation seems to work pretty well for Kai, unlike in real life, right?


4. Dissolving Marriages

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Now it’s YOUR time to cry too much, Ivy

Any good cult leader nows that, first, sever all love bonds that do not pertain to you. Not that Kai needed assistance in this case.

Ally (Sarah Paulson) and Ivy (Alison Pill) have a heart-to-heart. Or, rather, Ally let’s Ivy have it and Ivy cries a bunch. Eventually she explains how and why she came to follow Kai and the rationale for driving Ally insane -a lot of it having to do with their fancy restaurant. Small businesses are hard to manage.

Winter (Billie Lourd) arrives with Ozzie (Cooper Dodson) so he and Ally reconnect for the first time since she was locked up. Ally, on a roll, wins big with Ozzie by gifting him his favorite comic (Twisty) and lets loose on Winter for being a dumb, evil, stupid dumb dumb woman.

By now, Winter has proven herself to be such an untrustworthy idiot that it’s unclear whether or not her trying to help is a trap. She prints out a step-by-step guide on “How to Escape from a Cult” she found on WikiHow, which is, miraculously, the most “millennial” thing she’s done to date. But she has a point, they need to leave, and they need to leave now.

5. Loyalty - Duh

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“Is this a bad time to ask where you get your boss-ass cult uniforms?”

Of course the women and Ozzie can’t leave because Speed Wagon and the boys (new band name?) whisk them away for an “emergency meeting at Divine Ruler’s."Where, get this, Kai makes them drink Kool-Aid he insinuates is poisoned solely for the purpose of gauging everyone’s obedience.

This is a cool scene, rife with psychological turmoil and human misery. Happy Halloween, y'all! Hope y'all ate some good candy and stuff.

6. Playing Multiple Roles

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“Oh my god, you’re Evan Peters!” “No, I’m god, YOU’RE Evan Peters”

After the Kool-Aid fiasco, Ally and Ivy plan their break. But, surprise, Winter picks up Ozzie from school and foils their escape. This time, it might not be entirely her fault.

Ally and Ivy find Kai and Ozzie hanging out, and Ozzie now believes that Kai is his father. We later learn this is a lie but Kai really wants it to not be.

With Ozzie now a junior inductee in the clan, Kai continues telling tales of cult leaders past and, in his mind, Kai is every great cult leader to have ever graced a compound.

At first you might think, “Evan Peters just likes playing dress up and acting, or Ryan Murphy thinks he’s cute and makes him play dress up and act.” But Kai absolutely has the ego it takes to picture himself as Jesus, especially while telling his weird made up stories about the angels appearing to Jim Jones.

Cut to reality, Ozzie is the only one who seems to question this. And pays for it.

Oh, and, uhh, Ally kills Ivy and it’s really epic etc.

7. Sloppy Joes a.k.a. Manwhiches

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“Mmm, is that pepper? You’re so good at cooking stuff”

The bich is back and she’s making them ‘whiches. That’s right, Ally’s weapon of choice (formerly crying) is seasoned ground beef. What’s strange is HOW MUCH Kai loves her Sloppy Joes (sorry, manwhiches) and why she’s able to control him through them.

But, look, elephant in the room. This has to be some sort of inside joke. Last week’s “manwhich” line was ridiculous. Repeating it again just means someone on the writing staff has a boner not merely for Sloppy Joes but specifically calling them “manwhiches.” Of all the dumb boners to have, this is the #dumbestboner.

8. Being A Father To A Messiah

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“You mean I DO have holy semen?”

Ally convinces Kai he’s Ozzie’s father through doctored medical records, and Kai believes her so completely. This guy wants to be a father so bad, and to be convinced that his seed is divine…unlike normal people…unlike…unlike most people…unlike some people. Stop staring at me!

9. Collecting Dead Bodies

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Oh yeah, this happened earlier

Well, looks like Ivy’s corpse is going into the Anderson mausoleum, just not on the bed, that’s “for family.”
The question is why. Why keep Ivy’s body at all? Is it so that Ozzie can visit it? There have been plenty of corpses NOT preserved in the master bedroom crypt. Maybe it’s so Ally can visit. She’s insane, you know.

10. Hugs

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Look at that one big, happy, fake, big happy family.

It’s probably the case that Kai longs to be a daddy so he can one-up his old man. And Ozzie has finally been convinced that he needs a father figure. But what’s in it for Ally? Is she biding her time for an escape or does she have something sinister in mind for Kai and his people? We won’t find out. Next week’s episode will take place entirely on L. Ron Hubbard’s Sea Org fleet with L. Ron played by Evan Peters. Calling it now.