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July 15, 2016

All the futility of a real debate, rolled into one bite-sized post that will burn the roof of your mouth.

If you’ve spent any time on the Internet in the last year, it seems like every website has been abuzz with heated political debates. Be it a horrifying presidential election, or a horrifying terrorist attack, or a horrifying racial injustice, the tension is inescapable. Friends, family members, and co-workers have been torn apart by the extremist political binary we unwittingly perpetuate with every like, share, and retweet of good-intentioned confirmation bias clickbait… Well, today it comes to an end.

I’m proud to announce that this is the article to mend our country once and for all. With the help of national hero and delicious sponsor Totino's® Pizza Rolls®, we have designed the perfect way to reconstitute the indivisible nation we’ve long forgotten.

We present, Every Political Conversation You’ve Ever Had, Sponsored by Totino's® Pizza Rolls®:


#Totino's®Pizza Rolls®2016

YOU: “Wow, did you hear about those Totino's® Pizza Rolls® recently?”

FRIEND: “I sure did. It’s a real tragedy. How could anyone in their right mind support Totino's® Pizza Rolls®?”

YOU: “What do you mean…? Totino's® Pizza Rolls® are delicious pizzas rolled into bite sized, oven baked snacks with a variety of flavors! What’s bad about that?”

FRIEND: “Don’t you watch the news? Totino's® Pizza Rolls® are directly responsible for everything I don’t like in this country, and the WORLD!”

YOU: “That’s absurd. What are you referring to?!”

FRIEND: “Isn’t it obvious? Totino's® Pizza Rolls® are inciting violent riots at major US grocery chains. They’re also causing this generation to think snacking on bite sized pizza is acceptable, which clearly it is NOT. And, here’s the kicker, Totino's® Pizza Rolls® have absolutely wrecked the moral fabric of our society with their snacktime agenda and Big Pizza connections!”


Totino's® Pizza Rolls® are a mere symptom of the real issue here: my bank account.

YOU: “I feel like you don’t have any actual evidence to support this, but I’m going to play along anyway. First of all, Totino's® Pizza Rolls® aren’t inciting violent riots; major US grocery chains simply need to stock enough Totino's® Pizza Rolls® to meet the public’s demand–”

FRIEND: “Yeah well I don’t want to sound racist but it’s mostly Italian-Americans causing trouble over Totino's® Pizza Rolls®.”

YOU: “That makes you sound incredibly racist.”

RACIST FRIEND: “No I think that’s you, you are the racist.”

YOU: “You’re a fucking tumor on my social life.”

RACIST FRIEND: “You sound like an Italian right now.”

YOU: “Anyway, times are changing and people are more accepting of bite sized pizza snacks like Totino's® Pizza Rolls®. There is no objective reason that people cannot express their love for Totino's® Pizza Rolls®. Love is love, and snacks are snacks.”

RACIST FRIEND: “Oh jeez, here we go with the bleeding-tummy, love-and-pizza bullshit. When are you going to WAKE UP to reality and realize that is NOT how dinner works!”

YOU: “Maybe not for you? If you don’t like Totino's® Pizza Rolls®, just don’t eat them! Why do you have to infringe your own meal habits on other people? That’s not right.”

INTOLERANT RACIST FRIEND: “In the Food Pyramid it says that every citizen has the right to eat FRITO-LAY PRODUCTS (a major competitor of General Mills)! That’s a proper snack provider, and if every citizen owned Frito-Lay products we wouldn’t have all this trouble with the Italian-Americans.”

YOU: “What the fuck are you talking about? I think you’re really misinterpreting the Food Pyramid, which has already been amended dozens of times.”

INTOLERANT RACIST FRIEND: “You just don’t get it. You’ve been brainwashed by Big Pizza. You will blindly accept anything they say about snacks. Typical.”

YOU: “Did it ever occur to you that companies operate based on simple supply and demand directed by the public, and not some giant conspiracy? If enough people want snacks to change, the snack companies will adapt to provide them with it. It might take a lot of hard work to have your voice heard as a consumer, but it is possible! Believe me!”

INTOLERANT RACIST CONSPIRACY THEORIST FRIEND: “You are such a sheep, just thinking what they want you to think! This is why I’m buying Bagel Bites® come November.”

YOU: “Oh, you motherfucker.”


Bagel Bites® taste like dry dog shit, but at least they aren’t afraid to speak their mind!

You know what… On second thought, Totino's® Pizza Rolls® and I may still have some more work to do…