1. An app that recognized when friend's status messages were about how excited they were for the weekend. This could also apply to status messages that are counting down toward the weekend, in that the implication is that it is something they are very much looking forward to. We do not care that it's Thursday. It's Thursday for everyone. You're not breaking new ground with this revelation.
2. An app that recognized any time someone took a picture while posing on a beach. Or at a pool. You know, it would detect water and people having a good time with their friends. Fuck it, it'd find bikini shots. And it'd send it straight to the top of your newsfeed.
Special preferences you'd be able to turn on:
- only girls you went to high school with
- only girls that peripherally know your girlfriend
- hide all family members
3. A plugin that rounded up all the pictures your friends took of their food while using a hipster filter and put it in album called "You All Suck."
4. An alert for when your ex-girlfriend is dating someone less attractive then you. Since that is all subjective, you would be able to check off certain features. Such as:
- Above a certain weight
- Has a ponytail
- Prematurely bald/grey
The same checklist, but instead of being applied to the new girl your ex-boyfriend is dating, it is applied to your ex-boyfriend. And best friend.
5. Okay, fine. Any time anyone has gotten fat you should get a notification. Preferably if you went to high school with them.
6. A way to hide the following:
- photos from a wedding you did not attend, nor know the parties involved
- photos taken from the mezzanine at "the best concert evaaaarrrrrr"
- photos taken on vacation (unless it applies to suggestion #2)
9. An app that automatically defriends someone who posts pictures of their baby. If that baby has the cognitive ability to start their own Facebook account and upload pictures of themselves, fine. But until then, fuck their baby. (Does not apply if you are related to the baby, or if that baby is especially adorable...We'll leave that for Facebook's engineers to figure out how to differentiate.)
10. Anytime someone posts a vague status message like "it all comes down to this" or "it can't all be worth it," they will automatically have their Facebook accounts locked for eternity. They will also be systematically murdered by Eduardo Saverin, who is given the opportunity to regain stock in the company if, and only if, he performs these ritualistic slaughterings.
11. The ability to recognize that you feel shitty about yourself when you check Facebook on Sunday morning to see your friends have posted pictures of themselves having the absolute best nights of their lives. That's all. Not any trigger that automatically adds twenty likes to your most recent post or anything. Just a feature that makes you aware that Facebook recognizes your solitude and will do nothing to fix it.
Got all that, Zuck? Get to work.
- really would've been nice if you included an "emo status filter" because if i have to listen to someone emojaculating all over my news feed about shit in their life one more time i will probably vomit on my computer in hopes of destroying facebook.
- "The ability to recognize that you feel shitty about yourself when you check Facebook on Sunday morning to see your friends have posted pictures of themselves having the absolute best nights of their lives. That's all." HAHAHA
- #3 is so perfect
- An app that eliminates people who continually post "this is too cute for words" photos of animals who wouldn't ordinarily interact, being buddies. (i.e., the cat and baby chicken that frolic together, or the dog and elephant that became best friends). It's not cute, it's stupid, and it's a clear sign the end-of-days are near.
- Started off slow but picked up in the middle. I lol'd @ 10.. Good shit
- this is more truthful than it is funny
- #4, #5, #6, and #9 are my favorites.
- hahaha nice
- can we eliminate all people that post "going to work," "working 3-11 =(," "bored at work," almost done with work" we all work. no one fuckin cares!!
- would be cool if could just get people who type LiKe ThIs making it seem like their keybord had a sesuire or summtin like people who over say i love you baby i love so much in one stautes
- ID LIKE THE I DNT CARE OPTION TOO...cos some pple put up very annoying status messages...thats so irritating!!!!!!!!!1
- Yes indeed Mark Zuckerberg, take note!
- What about a DIS-like option?
- Filter out "check ins" please. I don't care where you're eating, drinking or shopping and those businesses don't deserve free advertising.
- LMAO i second the emo app: "emo status filter" because if i have to listen to someone emojaculating all over my news feed about shit in their life one more time i will probably vomit on my computer in hopes of destroying facebook... so true! should have been on the list :^)
- "if that baby has the cognitive ability to start their own Facebook account and upload pictures of themselves, fine." lmao
- Dont forget the new baby filter to add to #6.
- ten is a nice idea
- i love hate posts.
- Baby picture blocker is a great idea!
- You guys might enjoy FB more if you were exempt from any of my improv show invites...
- Great Suggestions to Improve Facebook
- Why do I have the strange feeling that I'm one of the annoying people mentioned in this list?
- A personally dont touch the drink as i like my organs just the way there ment to be,but for hangover sunday + sayuarday stories should have a health warning button to alert the more sane people dont need to read complete pile of non-excistent blether,by law is boring as hell.
- all of it sucked until #10. The rest is pretty "douchey".