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July 16, 2015
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Researchers at Oregon State University have crossed a line by creating bacon flavored seaweed.

Researchers from Oregon State University have created and patented a new type of seaweed that when cooked tastes like bacon. The seaweed, which is called dunse, is grown along both the east and west coast of the U.S.

OSU researchers developed a new strain of dunse and cite the high protein levels in the marine algae for giving it its bacon taste. They also speculate that the seaweed can be grown in large vats of sea water and easily manufactured that way. Right now dunse is sold at about $90 a pound in dried form.

While many are excited, I am the only one brave enough to speak out that science has officially gone too far. This development is sick and unnatural. Bacon should taste like bacon and seaweed should taste like shit. End of story.

I was silent when science trotted out Grapples (apple flavored grapes) and held my tongue when Lays introduced Cappuccino potato chips. Were they bastardizations of taste and humanity? Of course. Did I think we as a civilization were going through a sort of scientific adolescence and this was simply a phase? I did.

Clearly, however, this is more serious and long term than a middle school midriff piercing, and science is headed quickly down the wrong track. In fact science is so far down the wrong track, I don’t think there is any saving it now.

Bacon isn’t just any old food to be messed with. It’s inarguably one of the purest and most pleasurable cuts of meat. Science has really fucked up by lending its flavor to some weeds grown in the ocean aka the world’s toilet.

I won’t go as far to say it’s sacrilegious, because I know science and religion don’t have the best relationship and I don’t want to start any drama, but I’ll leave it at this: In this chaotic world where so much is uncertain, and there is so little to grasp to, where does science get off robbing us of the few foods that provide us of comfort and love, then stripping what is holy from it and creating a Frankenstein sea monster snack? You are not God, science. You are not God.

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