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March 10, 2017

Criminal From "Smooth Criminal" Apprehended After Nearly 30 Years On The Run

Looks like he wasn’t so smooth after all.

After nearly 30 years on the lam, federal officers have arrested the subject of Michael Jackson’s 1987 hit-song “Smooth Criminal.”

Slater Keene, 67, was taken into custody early Thursday morning after a local barista recognized his face from a 1988 police sketch. Keene is being charged with breaking and entering, sexual assault and robbery.

From Keene:
“I did it, yeah, but I regret it. I can’t believe after all these years this stupid crime is still haunting me. After I broke into Annie’s house, I fled to Mexico, where I stayed until 1999. I figured the heat was off so I moved back to America. Then Alien Ant Farm covered Michael Jackson’s Smooth Criminal and it kind of fucked me, people remembered that horrible crime I committed, so I moved back to Mexico again. That’s my M.O., I’m a runner. I try to hide and run away from all of my poor decisions. However, I guess it’s time to face the music.”

The arresting officer, Jeremy Fass, offered the following remarks:
“There is no doubt in our mind that this is the guy. We are still waiting for DNA testing to confirm that his blood matches the blood stains left on the carpet at Annie’s house, but all signs point to him being guilty. Especially his confession in the previous paragraph.”

Well, we can all rest assured. Another ruthless criminal is off the streets.