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July 30, 2016

It would be even more amazing if he wasn't such a prick about it.

Every summer, beaches are filthy with sea turtles returning to the very same spot where they were born to lay eggs of their own. Male turtles don’t usually make the trek, save for one: scientists call him “Robby” and every year he makes his way back to the same beach to talk about his favorite Kanye West album.

Robby’s journey is not unlike that of many mother turtles. Somewhere between May and August, Robby swims towards land. Using his front flippers, Robby drags his massive, disgusting body out of the water and up the beach one of the sandy dunes that lines the shore.

Using his back fins, Robby then digs a hole about 20 inches deep. But unlike his female counterparts who fill their nests with their precious clutch of fertilized eggs and then return to sea, Robby takes a big, fat shit in his hole and starts going on and on about how 808s & Heartbreaks is a super under-appreciated album.

“A-HEAD-OF-TIME,” Robby forces out in a series of staccato, throaty screeches. “RAP-GAME-CATCH-UP-NOW-YEE-ZY-MILES-A-HEAD.”

Even though808s didn’t reach the same level of commercial success as some of Kanye’s other releases and Robby is a turtle that probably doesn’t know shit, that doesn’t stop him from heaping on the praise.

“PEOPLE-AFRAID-OF-NEW,” says Robby in a voice that sounds like someone is skinning a cat. “TAKE-TIME-TO-AD-JUST-AND-AP-PRE-CI-ATE. PRICE-YOU-PAY-FOR-CHANGE-THE-GAME.”

And Robby has something to say to all the fan-boys trying hop on the Yeezy train now.

“808-MAKES-WAY-FOR-NEXT-TWO-JOINTS,” squeals Robby in a high-pitched moan that is often confused for orgasm. “IF-NO-808-NO-YEE-ZUS-NO-PAB-LO-THEY-BUILD-OFF-FOUND-A-TION-OF-EX-PER-I-MEN-TA-TION.”

How Robby learned to talk and how he is able to listen to, process, and form opinions about the work of one of hip-hop’s most acclaimed and controversial artists has had locals stumped for a long time. After extensive DNA testing debunked the popular theory that Robby was “some kinda robot or maybe a little guy in a suit,” scientists and wildlife experts are left scratching their heads.

“I don’t know where the hell he gets it all from,” shrugged Susan Wenk, an EPA biologist. “It would be kind of amazing if he wasn’t such a prick about it.”

It’s true that even though Robby is a leatherback, he’s been known to come to “loggerheads” with the large crowds of beach-goers that come to see him each year.

“BEST-THING-HAP-PEN-WAS-OTH-ER-ART-IST-STEAL-CHIP-MUNK-SOUL-SOUND,” says a turtle who sits in his own piss and can’t tell the difference between a jellyfish and a plastic bag. “FORCE-KAN-YE-TO-EX-PLORE.”

It’s a sentiment that doesn’t sit well with lovers of Kanye’s debut album, The College Dropout. While most sea turtles habitats are being destroyed by pollution, warming waters, or coastal development, Wenk believes that the greatest threat facing Robby is running his mouth so much that he gets his scaly ass beat.

“We started to think that he might be ‘parroting’ speech he picks up from fishermen or spring break party boats,” offered Wenk. “But then he started going on about how ‘Stronger’ was Kanye ‘selling out.’ Who the fuck else would think that?”

With those kinds of hot takes, you might think that Robby is an undersea expert on all things hip-hop, but researchers are starting to doubt that to be true. In a recent study conducted by students at Florida Gulf Coast University, Robby started to waffle when he was asked about rappers besides Kanye West.


Researchers then observed Robby mutter something about needing to check on some rocks, lift himself off of his shit-nest, and slowly haul his ass right back into the ocean.