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October 05, 2017
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For better or worse, sometimes sci fi becomes sci fact.

The movie Blade Runner 2049 premiers in theaters on Thursday October 6th. This futuristic sci-fi thriller gets a few things right about what we can all look forward to in the coming decades.


  • Being a Blade Runner is awesome, so turns out your mother who told you that you shouldn’t run with scissors is a liar.
  • In a future version of The Bachelor, attractive females vie for the attentions of a sentient stomach virus.
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  • Future-world police are allowed to shoot and kill robots with impunity, which causes robot athletes to stage a peaceful protest during sporting events.
  • Robots are intimidatingly stronger than humans, but fortunately for us, twice as ticklish.
  • Harrison Ford is grumpy, and would prefer to be left alone.
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  • Future Republicans are fine with humans marrying robots, as long as the robot in question is of the opposite sex.
  • Not only is global warming wreaking havoc, but also global worming, due probably to the unrefrigerated meats served in those floating Asian food trucks.
  • There are indeed flying cars in the future, which means that hitchhikers now have to wear jet-packs.
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  • In the future, human waste is transported via wormholes to the past. Unfortunately, a large collection of this waste gains sentience and manages to become President of the United States in 2016.
  • Robot versions of cats exist in the future as well. They’re big assholes, though. Worse than regular cats, even.
  • You can order your own robot from Amazon, but unless you’re a Prime member, it will probably have one leg shorter than the other, or really bad BO and a lazy eye, etc.
  • Spin The Bottle is still a favorite game at teenage parties, but rather than a bottle, is now played with a futuristic meth pipe.
  • As predicted by John Lennon, in the future there is no religion, but for a rather large cult who worship the songs and writings of John Lennon.
  • The off-world colonies are a virtual paradise, with Jack-In-The-Box locations serving the eggnog milk-shake year round, rather than just during the Christmas holidays.
  • Tinder is no longer necessary, as future iPhones contain two complete sets of functioning genitalia.
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