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Published September 17, 2013

Jumping for Joy

America — As of October 1, 2013, Americans will celebrate a new universal right, and legal obligation, to purchase insurance policies for their health. Many actually seemed overjoyed at the prospect.
 
"I'm so happy!" said a woman who plans to buy a policy. "One day, I won't be able to buy an insurance policy for my health, and the next day, I will! Such a privilege. I'm on cloud nine!"
 
"Wow, it's incredible! For $600 a month, I could buy an insanely luxurious car, but I'd rather get a basic insurance policy that covers most if not all of my needs for lifesaving procedures, with reasonable copays," said a insurance policy buyer in Washington. "I'm pleased as punch!"
 
"Best of all, this isn't the universal healthcare people get in first world countries," said a woman with a chronic condition that forced her to file bankruptcy last year. "When I get my new policy in my hands, and carefully look over the terms and conditions to see if I can use an ambulance, I'm gonna feel like I'm on top of the world!" 
 
Not all American citizens were happy with their newfound right to buy an insurance policy.
 
"I'm beginning to think the French were really onto something with those guillotines," said a young man from the Millennial generation. "Because when people in France demand something, like paid maternity leave, it gets done." He then revealed blueprints for a permanent, fully functional guillotine installation outside Congress.
 
Still, many Americans seem positively thrilled about buying an insurance policy for health. 
 
"This just proves, once again, why America is the greatest country on Earth," said a woman in Iowa. "We're so blessed! Aren't we? OK, maybe having a baby on the Bronze Plan will cost me $5,000—but my baby will be born FREE! Y'know, figuratively."
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