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March 10, 2015
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Sex Advice From An Uncomfortable Guy Who's Afraid Of Sex And Blows It Every Time


HI! I’M DR. SEX MAN!
I’ve been provided a column to answer all of your, ah, your sex questions, which I’m really excited to do. The questions below have been provided by actual readers. If we didn’t get to yours in this round, stay tuned, and as always, keep the questions coming to drsexman@funnyordie.com.



Dear Dr. Sex Man,

I am 72 years old. I no longer feel desire or temptation for my wife, but with others it is OK. Please advise me about sex.

Oldie From Olympia

This is a pickle for me. Usually it’s a problem of me not turning others on, not the other way around.

All I know is that you’re going to blow it if you tell her she doesn’t turn you on and others do. I once told a girlfriend that I desired other women, but not her, and I soon realized that’s only OK to say to your mom, and even then the situation has to be just right.

I once watched some old-people pornography and didn’t know why it existed, or why my friend Yoni owned it on DVD. This old-people sex, however, could be just the thing for you and your wife: You two watch it together and let two other old people turn you on. Then you can transfer your turned-on–ness, to, you know, um, her turned-on–ness, and then you’re back at it?

At least that’s my advise.


Dear Dr. Sex Man,

I’m 22 and I’m dying to get laid. The only catch is, I’m a virgin. I like this guy that I used to work with and I trust him enough to be my first. Do I tell him that I want him to be my first or would that weird him out?

Virgin in Colorado

When I lost my virginity (had sex for the first time — I only define it because for a long time I thought it meant you finally grew enough pubic hair on the shaft of your penis that you had to shave it off for you to pee right), I told the girl I wanted to be her first. Then I realized I worded it wrong, so I blurted out, “I mean me first.”

Then she said, “You mean come first?” but I thought she said, “Human comforts?” in a weird accent, so I responded, “Sofas and nice socks, I guess?”

Then she made me shut up and we did it and I was scared the whole time. I also came first, which was embarrassing. I blew it.

So what I’m trying to say is I think it’s OK to tell him that you think he’d be a good first; it’s just a delicate conversation. Don’t do it in line at a movie theater, or via text.

If you don’t want to say, “I want you to take my virginity,” that’s OK; just make sure you don’t say the following phrases: “Guess what, you get to take it.”“I wish you first dibs to puncture my slit.”“You win the vagina tonizzle.”“I’m a virgin and you’re my King Kong, so have sex with me.”“Let’s pretend we’re married tonight.”“I think your penis might hurt me less than others.”


Dear Dr. Sex Man,

I like someone and want to take it to the next level, but every time I try and flirt I just go “…” and she looks at me weird, so maybe she isn’t interested like I thought? How can I know if she wants to get down?

Laughed At In Louisville.

Did I write this question? I have no idea when anyone wants to get down, or if anyone wants to get down with me. At the very least, I know you’ll blow it by saying things like “…” out loud as “DOT DOT DOT.” That would definitely cause her to look at you weird because you’re blowing it right in front of her very eyes.

If she even talks to you that’s a good sign. I once thought a girl on a train was making the ol’ “sexual eyes” at me, but she was actually just drunk and holding in vomit. I went up to flirt with her and she vomited on me. That caused me to vomit on her, and a guy yelled, “Don’t vomit on women,” and punched me in the face. Then one of his buddies yelled, “Hey, you got vomit on my friend’s fist,” and he punched me in the gut, causing me to vomit on the girl again. This circle of punches and vomits continued for four stops.



Read more advice from Dr. Sex Man

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