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Phil-a-delphia freedooooooommmm…

CITY: Philadelphia, PA
VENUE: Wells Fargo Center
ATTENDANCE: 157,498

The final Smackdown Event before Summerslam, Battleground brings us one of the most complex gimmick matches of all time - not even the Singh Brothers could explain it on Tuesday night. Regardless, we still have a card full of great matches so let’s settle it on…The Battleground!


1) WWE Smackdown Tag Team Championship Match: The New Day (Kofi Kingston, Xavier Woods) vs. The Usos (Jimmy, Jey) ©

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“Don’t blame me I’m just the background white guy.”

The Usos and The New Day had a rap battle hosted by Wale on Independence Day. Both teams went in on each other - the Usos called out the Xavier Woods sex tape. Holy shit The Usos are doing the best work of their career right now.

Xavier and Kofi are going to go after it tonight for New Day so Xavier goes ahead and gets his ass kicked by both Usos. Young Woods rallies with a missle dropkick and Kofi flies into the ring and kicks everyone named Uso with his custom Jeremy Scott Adidas.

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“I got them on Adidas Confirmed!”

The Usos are Nike guys so they drag everyone outside and beat their asses. Woods is really good at getting his ass kicked but even better at not getting pinned. He accesses his top rope signature maneuver but Jimmy Uso literally kicks him out of the sky.

Kofi finally wakes up and returns to the match for a Midnight Hour but Jimmy accesses his Second Wind skill - he kicks out and leap-tags his brother who hits a top rope splash for 2 33/34ths. Jimmy misses a second splash and Kofi hits Trouble In Paradise, followed by Xavier Woods leaping 15,000 feet across the ring with an elbow drop for the pin and the win. Pwin?

2) New Champs?

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“I’m so excited, I could blow my own horn!”

New! Champs Rocks!

3) Shinsuke Nakumura vs. Baron Corbin

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How not to 69

These two have been beating each other up before their matches start on Smackdown. THAT is how excited they are about fighting.

Corbin takes an early lead as the crowd chants “Corbin Sucks.” Corbin stops beating on Nakumura long enough to remind them “I’m doing pretty good, dummies.”

Nakumura rallies by kicking Corbin in the face as many times as he can. Then he sets Corbin across the upper turnbuckle and throws his knees up into Corbin’s midsection. I call that move the Shitty Hammock.

Corbin sneaks out of the ring, runs through and unloads a clothesline on Nakumura so hard JBL is immediately turned on.

Nakumura warms up his knee for the Kinshasa(aaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!) by jiggling in the corner which gives Corbin enough time to turn the move into a Deep Six. The two get to their feet and go Rocky 2 on each other. Shinsuke gains the advantage and uses it to kick Baron in the face some more. That can’t be good for his hairline.

The King of Strong Style warms up for another Kinshasa(aaaaaaa!!!!) but Corbin doesn’t get up. Nakumura gets sick of waiting for Corbin and goes to pick him up, but Corbin kicks Shinsuke square in the dick to get disqualified.

Shinsuke wins by disqualification but loses by the fact that he’s still lying in the ring with his broken penis in his hands.

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Ow my penisu

Unsatisfied, Corbin returns to the ring and delivers an End of Days. Now he’s broken Shinsuke’s penis AND his spirit.

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King of Dong Style

4) 5 Way Elimination Match: Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte vs. Lana vs. Tamina vs. Natalya

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“This see saw is weird!”

The Smackdown Women’s Division can’t decide who amongst them is the best. Incredibly they all think it’s themselves so we don’t have a number one contender for the women’s championship at Summerslam. Shane and Daniel have decided they want them to stop arguing as fast as possible and put all of them in a five-way elimination match. Winner faces Naomi for the title in Brooklyn.

Speaking of which, the screen goes into Predator-vision which means it’s time to Feel The Glow - our women’s champion will be on commentary. JBL asks her how she can dance that much without her heart exploding and she basically replies “because I’m not an old ass man.”

Becky and Natalya spill to the outside leaving Tamina and Lana to gang up on Charlotte. Becky recovers and tosses them out so she can gang up on Charlotte by herself. Natalya sneaks back in the ring to steal the pin and Becky drops her with a Bexploder.

After some more action, Natalya tries to make Charlotte tap out but Lana makes the save. Rookie mistake! Let someone get eliminated in an elimination match especially if it’s the Gymnastic Peacock herself.

All the women find themselves in and out of the ring again, leaving Becky and Tamina alone and Becky locks in the DisarmHer, causing Tamina to tap out for our first elimination. Really hope it’s called a DisarmHim when she uses it on dudes.

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“This see saw is weird!”

Lana thinks that was such a fun move that now she wants to try it and so she also taps out to the DisarmHer next.

As Becky stands up Natalya sneaks in and rolls up the Lass Kicker with a handful of tights for the 1-2-3.

We are down to Charlotte and Natalya and these two are pulling out the stops. Charlotte deadlift powerbombs Natalya for a two count then pops a moonsault from the top rope only to land on Natty’s knees.

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“I can see saw up your shirt!”

As Charlotte stood up Natalya threw her skull into the bottom turnbuckle essentially knocking her out for a three count. Natalya heads to Club Summerslam for the Women’s Lightshow Championship!

Naomi gets into the ring to shake Natalya’s hand. Natalya, embarrassed that she has sweaty palms from the match, rolls out and stares down the champ from the ramp. Pretty rude of Naomi if you ask me.

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“How dare you when you know about my perspiration issues?”

5) United States Championship Match: Kevin Owens vs. AJ Styles ©

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Don’t be that guy.

WWE no longer televises from Madison Square Garden because the Dolan family wants too much money to do so. But to keep attendance up they’ll pull surprise stunts when they have a show there, like have AJ Styles win the United States Championship from Kevin Owens. Anything can happen in the WWE Universe!

These two go right at each other, trading offense back and forth with speed and variety. There’s so many near falls I start to forget what comes after two. Some highlights include a fireman’s carry neckbreaker, a 450 top rope springboard splash, some vicious DDTs, and a Cannonball. And those were just from the ref!

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AJ Styles delivers an Ass Blaster

Owens takes Styles to the top rope but Styles counters with something insane. He goes for a Phenomenal Forearm but Owens bails and takes out AJ legs.

He follows it up with a shoulder drive into the ring post and an armbreaker. Styles still has enough in the tank for a Pele kick.

Not knowing what else to do, Owens throws Styles into the ref and knicks him out.

This backfires and Styles turns the problem into a Calf Crusher. Owens reverses this into an STF. Meanwhile the ref…

Styles rolls the move through on Owens but Owens, still in the submission hold, rolls AJ onto his shoulders. The ref hallucinates a three count.

Styles is very confused about what happened and it sounds like the crowd is as well. Who isn’t confused is Kevin Owens, who is once again The New Face of America.

6) New Champ?

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“I missed you; tonight I’m leaving the condoms at home!”

New Champ.

7) The Modern Day Maharajah jerks off some Laffy Taffy™

8) Flag Match: Rusev (Bulgaria) vs. John Cena (America)

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Excuse me you’re in the way of my flag

John Cena returned to Smackdown on Independence Day to tell everyone he lives by three rules:

  • Hustle
  • Jean shorts
  • Flag

Rusev came out to to tell him he sucks. Feeling insecure, Cena immediately challenged Rusev to a fight. But not just any fight - a fight where you have to fight and then grab the flag of your country and then fight some more and then race the flag to a pedastal that already has your flag painted on it and then fight some more and then put the flag in a flagpost on the pedestal that already has your flag painted on it.

This should be an official Olympic sport.

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Hustle. Jean Shorts. Flag.

Each wrestler makes his entrance and some nerd comes in the ring to hang their flags.
The two beat each other up until it’s time to grab some flags. Each grabs their own and then promptly drops it. Something something never let the flag touch the ground…

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When it’s 3 am and you’re drunk and you don’t even know what song is on at karaoke

The pair brawl around the ring until Cena gets enough offense in to grab the American flag and wander towards the pedestals on the entrance ramp. Rusev turns the tables, launches Cena into the TitanTrons, then gets a table(s). He sets up Cena for an Attitude Adjustment through the tables. Cena kicks out then scrambles for the flag.

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Must…flag…this flag!

Rusev stops the world’s greatest patriot by clocking him with the flagpost then locks in ~~Painal ~~The Accolade.

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Uhhhh…

Confidence and his waistband riding high Rusev grabs the Bulgarian flag. Before he can plant the flag Cena stops him with the power of sheer patriotism. But Rusev counters and sets up another Painal Accolade. Cena puts Rusev on his back, and walks him up the American pedestal. Since America is the greatest fighting country on Earth Cena puts Rusev through the previously set-up tables with an Attitude Adjustment.

So an American won by using an immigrant’s hard work against him. Stay in your place, foreign menace. America’s gonna pull your dick off and slap you in the beard with it if you ever cross God’s Greatest Son John Cena ever again!

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Flagula.

9) The Fashion X Files

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Breezango prepare to meet the people who have been trashing their stuff. The Ascension arrive and take credit. Nobody believes they’re capable of even beating up inanimate objects and Breezango send them away.

The lights go out and when Fandango gets his flashlight working again Tyler Breeze is unconcious in his wig. The lights flicker again and Fandango is knocked out. Something off camera drags him away and the story continues.

10) Sami Zayn vs. Mike Kanellis

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Some people can’t handle working with their spouse.

For the last month Sami keeps perving on Mike and Maria Kanelis while they hang out and dry hump backstage. Tired of this crap, Maria and Mike have both beat up Sami backstage and after Mike beat Sami on Smackdown last week a rematch was scheduled for tonight.

Kanelis controls the action early. He backs Sami into a corner then catches a kiss from Maria and uses it to smash Sami in the face. That is the Power of Love!

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Honey smell my upper lip real fast

Sami turns the tables just in time to give us a suicide DIVE. He sets up for an Exploder Suplex but Maria gets in the ring and blocks the corner.

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I’m NOT gonna let you look at my ass again!

Sami stops to perv on Maria again which gives Mike enough time to wrap up Sami just like on Smackdown. Unlike on Smackdown Sami wiggles out, hits the Exploder, then puts a boot to Mike’s face for a win. He will go on to perv on Maria for another day.

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I can’t wait to perv on them some more.

11) Punjabi Prison WWE Championship Match: Randy Orton vs. Jinder Mahal ©

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When you’re weighing your work and your paycheck.

Jinder Mahal keeps beating Randy Orton and WWE keeps giving Randy rematches. This time Shane McMahon let the champion pick the stipulation. Mahal picked a Punjabi Prison match - a match so confusing, so ugly, no one has ever understood the rules. Ever. Eight miles of unforgiving steel bamboo. With the Singh Brothers required to stay backstage tonight it’s just Mahal and Orton. And a referee. Let’s go to prison!

The outer structure comes pre-loaded with music as weird strings play while the cage lowers.

The ring announcer spends eight minutes going over the rules and finally the match begins. One of the door is opened and sixty THRILLING seconds go by as the ref holds it open, then it closes NEVER TO BE OPENED AGAIN. It’s a shame because it’s the only clear shot we had into the ring.

Trying to see what is happening is its own prison. Mahal uses “his ability” - Tom Phillips’ words - to climb over the inside cage. Randy stops him and calls for his own door. That door closes but when one Punjabi Prison Door closes another one opens as Orton hits some Vintage Orton then RKOs the champ. He crawls to the final door but the Singh Brothers pop out from under the ring and pull the champ out of the ring as the door closes on the Viper.

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Sir we couldn’t leave you, the rental car is in your name!

Orton speeds over the inside cage then leaps to the second cage, meeting Mahal on the steel shoots. He knocks Mahal to the floor but the Singh Brothers drag Orton to the ground as well. Mahal kicks Orton in the face then climbs the cage. Orton yanks the champion to the floor then beats everyone around him. Mahal finds the Punjabi Prison Power Up - hidden Singapore canes.

Mahal beats the dogshit out of Orton and then Orton returns the favor. Samir Singh squirels out of the cage and stops Orton at the top. Once again, Orton sends one of the Singh Brothers through a table.

Unfortunately we still have a match to finish as Mahal kicks Orton into the cage. He misses and Orton hits a Hangman DDT off the prison. The crowd doesn’t give him any love and he’s not happy about it.

Orton wipes himself off on the ref(???) then begins the climb up the cage. Before he can escape THE GREAT KHALI returns and chokes Orton into place on the prison.

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Khali like snek. Khali keep snek!

Mahal stops to gloat at him as he climbs over the top for the win.

Is this now the Maharajah Dollar Corporation?

12) Still Champ?

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Khali tired. Khali want rest. Khali is strongest one there is!

Still champ.


So, in the end, the Battleground turned out to be in our hearts all along.
We are back in August for Summerslam, WWE’s second biggest hullaballoo of the year. Until then, stay out of Punjabi Prison.

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Hello? Is there anyone in there?

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