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March 18, 2016

A story about a boy with a magical butt.

There once was a boy, let’s call him boy, and on January 2nd 2040, this boy pooped the world. If that confuses you, then let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

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The boy needed a job. He needed a job because he needed money so he could buy things. Most of all, he wanted to impress this girl in his class, Samantha. The boy wanted to work at the movie cinema because that’s where all his friends liked to go! To get a job, the boy first needed a resume.

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The boy came to his father to ask him for help in writing a resume. His dad laughed at this. “You don’t need my help,” said his dad, “just pull it out of your ass!”

The boy did not know what this meant. Frustrated, he went to his room to try and write one by himself. He looked at the empty paper for a long time. He had no discernible skills to meet the demands of the local economy. After a while,the boy gave up, saying to himself: I wish I could pull a resume out of my ass.

Suddenly, the boy felt a rumbling in his gut. A force pushed down on his insides, hounding to be released!

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The boy ran to the bathroom and plunked himself down on the toilet. He huffed and he puffed so he could push out whatever was causing him such grief!

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The boy felt behind him. It was some kind of rolled up paper…

So the boy stood up and pulled a resume out of his ass.

“What a smelly thing indeed but just what I need!”
(It was the boy’s first paper cut.)

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The boy went to the cinema and started working behind the desk. He served popcorn and sodas to all his friends!

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But due to corporate lobbying and the continued exploitation of illegal immigrants thereby keeping the minimum wage so low, the boy was not earning enough to impress Samantha! Samantha said she only went out with boys who got her roses. The boy was sad because he didn’t have enough money to get her flowers.

Suddenly, the boy felt a rumbling in his gut…

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The boy ran to the bathroom and plunked himself down on the toilet. He huffed and he puffed so he could push out whatever was causing him such grief!

The boy felt behind him. It was some kind of bunch of flowers…

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So the boy stood up and pulled a bushel of roses out of his ass.

“What a smelly thing indeed but just what I need!”
(Thorns hurt!)

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Before the boy returned to work, he gave the bushel of roses to Samantha.

“These smell funny…but it’s the thought that counts!” said Samantha, kissing the boy on the cheek. The boy blushed. He was very happy.

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But little did the boy know, his manager had seen the boy walk into the bathroom without roses and come out with roses.

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His manager was friends with the mafia, and when they talked about it to each other later on, the mafia and the boy’s manager came up with the only obvious conclusion:The boy was pulling things out of his butt!

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The mafia knocked on the boy’s door. The dad answered.

“Who are you?” asked the dad.

“We are the mafia coming to take your son.”

“Better do what they say,” said the dad to the boy.

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The mafia took the boy to a big, empty warehouse.

“Make us some money!” said the mafia boss.

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The boy was scared. He tried to poop out some money, some big wads of cash.

But huff and puff and try as he might, the boy found he could not deliver.

“I can’t do it!” he cried.

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“If you don’t, we’ll kill you,” said the mafia boss, a gun in his hand.

Suddenly,the boy felt a surge…

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The mafia became multi-millionaires. The boy missed a lot of school.

“When can I leave?” The boy always asked.

“Never!”cried the mafia.

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So one day the boy hatched a plan…

And instead of money, he pooped a grenade.

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The mafia men wailed in fear when the boy threw the grenade at them.

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And they fell into a long, dark sleep.

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Relieved that his ordeal was over, the boy shambled home to his dad. But when he told his dad about his magical ass…

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His dad forced him to poop out money too!

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The father got very rich off the boy’s magical butt and soon the people at the IRS took notice.

“You have too much money for being a factory worker,” they said. “How did you get all this money?” The father decided to tell them.

Soon,the people from the news heard about the boy’s magical patootie and then the boy became a national news sensation! Samantha was really impressed by this! And this made the boy happy, for a little while at least…

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People started coming to the boy’s house in droves. They came from all over, hoping he could help them get what they needed. There was a girl who needed a kidney, a man who needed a wife and a young boy, just like the boy, who needed a cure for his cancer…

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But before the boy could try and help these people, the US government came in and swooped him away.

“This boy’s rectum must be kept safe for national security!”

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The boy was taken to Area 51. There he was greeted by a man in a suit who said, “Boy, we are running out of oil, we need oil to keep the economy going, I hope you understand.”

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The boy said he didn’t want to, but the man in the suit went and got a gun, pointing it at the boy. “If you don’t, we’ll kill you.”

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So the boy huffed and puffed and pushed with all his might, and made oil for the US government.

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Sometimes the government man holding the gun would get tired, so he would switch hands.

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Then one day, somebody came up with the idea of using a device to hold the gun in place!

The man was very happy.

The boy was not.

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Often,the boy thought of Samantha. He wrote her letters, hoping she was impressed with his oil production and its beneficial effect on industry. But Samantha was not impressed. “Fossil fuels are bad for the environment. I am not impressed,”she wrote in her reply.

The boy was miserable.

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Then one day the government man came back. He told the boy to stop pooping oil.

“The president has cancer! We were hoping you could cure it?” asked the man.

“Okay,”said the boy, “but I want to stop producing oil. It’s bad for the environment—and my butt is getting rather sticky…”

“It’s a deal!” said the man.

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So the boy sat down and tried to poop out a cure for cancer. He huffed and he puffed and he tried with all his might…but nothing was coming out.

“I can’t do it,” said the boy, “I don’t need a cure for cancer.”

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The man thought about this for a while, before saying, “EUREKA! I’ve got an idea!”

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So the man had doctors give the boy cancer.

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It was not long before the boy pooped out the cure for cancer. The president appeared and said, “What a smelly thing indeed, but just what I need!”

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After that, the man pointed a gun at the boy. “Back to work.”

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This went on for many years until the boy was finally a man. He was very sad.

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Then one day, after a lonely lifetime, the government man appeared once more. “Boy,we need your help! All our oil use has caused irreversible levels of greenhouse gases and now all the plants are dying with the extreme heat. Won’t you help us?

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The boy was very angry with the man at first, wondering why he should help these people who have done nothing but take and take from him?

But then he remembered long ago a girl named Samantha…

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They trained the boy to be an astronaut. He didn’t have to make oil from his butt anymore, and he was happy about that.

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Three months later, the boy was shot into space in a special spaceship. With his head inside the spaceship and his buttocks outside, the boy prepared for his biggest challenge yet.

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Everyone in the world was watching the boy on the TV; waiting, trembling with anticipation…

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The boy began to feel a rumbling in his gut. He huffed and he puffed and he pushed with all his might!

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First came New Zealand, then Australia, Asia, Africa, Europe and the Americas, all out of the boy’s sore bum!

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And slowly but surely, a new world was formed.

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The crowd cheered and the boy was relieved.
(World building is difficult!)

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The boy returned to the original earth and saw Samantha waiting for him.

“Are you impressed?” asked the boy.

“Yes,boy, I am impressed!” and she gave him a kiss on the cheek.

The boy was happy.