The HOUSE OF BARRABUS
The first restaurant owned and operated by Catholic Priests, “The HOUSE of BARRABUS” is the finest in reverent fare. Cleanse your palette and your soul at this great new restaurant that the Food Critic for the Catholic News Register, Bruno Moyst calls, “The best damned food in the diocese---their “Crucifixion Steak” is to die for.”
The restaurant which opened just 3 months ago was started by the order of the FRANCISCAN DOMINICUS BORMAYO Priests, who originally came here from France in the 1600’s, then settled and built churches and schools along the upper Chanteuse Valley and branches stemming from the mighty and muddy Eddington River.
The Franciscan Dominicus Bormayo Priests are a little known strict yet pious sect whose life is dedicated to prayer and good food. It is written that the priests have always been advanced in food preparation dating back to pre-Medieval times when original recipes were forbidden and all dishes had to be approved by the Court of King Dubious V. It was then in utter secrecy that the priests started developing their own unique ways of preparing food. Their secrecy was never discovered and the recipes were handed down through the generations of the Priesthood. The priests entering the sect never had a clue about the secret food recipes until they completed their training and finished their “2 years of celibate prayers” and committed to the “Franciscan Vows of Silence.” It was only then that they were introduced to the culinary ways of the Bormayons...and that has not changed even today---and it is these recipes that for the first time in History, lay people or “people not of the cloth of Celibance” can enjoy these heavenly delights and rejoice in the talents of these “Chosen Few.”
The restaurant was the brainchild of Father Miles Kreskindon and Brother Thoyce Landis. All of the food is bought and specially prepared by the priests as well as all the waiting of tables, the hosting, and even the bartending is done by them.
The master chef, Father John Kanker has a degree in food preparation and also named his dishes especially for the restaurant. The aroma of his complimentary “Lazerus Bread” rises to the occasion and is constantly wafting throughout the place searching for a nostril to please. The kitchen is wide open where you can see Fr. Kanker perform his “miracles” at any given time.
The House of Barrabus is open Monday through Saturday---Never on Sunday--- from 5:00 am until midnight except during Lent when it opens at 10:00 am for the all you can eat Loaves and Fishes Luncheon. “No matter how much you eat, the food never ends.” Every Tuesday is NOAH’S ARK NIGHT--- “Two of everything for the price of one!” And “strap on the feedbag,” because every Saturday is the Roman Gladiator’s Buffet featuring our “many Mansions combo bucket---all you can eat in a reed woven basket. From olives to smelt---from our hearts to your stomach.”
The House of Barrabus is located next to the convent across from the Rectory on the grounds of St. Bebbis-Claire Church and School in Farron Springs.
Why is our food so good?
“because it is written”
HOUSE of BARRABUS MENU
The Sprigs of St. Raymond’s ---Asparagus & mustard seed served on an edible fig leaf---(served cold)
God’s Little Roots ---an exciting blend of baby carrots, beets, radishes & green onions in a heavenly ginger root sauce and served with “daily breadsticks”
Hosanna Hot Dog Platter ---small wieners smothered in Father Kanker’s coveted secret recipe barbecue sauce
Cheeses, Mary and Joseph ---Not God’s creation but actually Brother Tiddles Romano Cheese sculptures in the shape of Mary and Joseph. Served with our own “mule radish” sauce. All of our cheese is imported from the famous “CHEESES of NAZARETH” Farms in Bethany.
Brother Hadies Deviled Eggs ---with or without paprika, it beats the hell out of its competitors
The Apostles Cheese ---12 different cheeses from around the world---a great sampler offering for the whole family!
MANNA ---our most popular appetizer--- “From the hands of God,” says Fr. Kanker. What is it? What is it made from? Close your eyes and imagine to await the miracle---you’ll be converted after the first bite!
VENIAL SOUP ---it’s almost a sin not to try this---but only a little one
Lucifer’s French Onion ---awfully tempting
Gumbo of Gabriel ---live a little...if you dare
Pagan Pesto Soup ---wickedly good---almost sacrilegious
Latin Alphabet Soup ---The letter shaped noodles are all in the style of Old Latin and ancient Arabic...Remember how it used to be? dominus nobiscum indeed...
The GARDEN of EDEN Salad Bar
The Lettuce Prey ---5 kinds of organic hybrid lettuce smothered in our own “God’s House Dressing”
The Seven Deadly Sins Bean Salad ---made with 7 kinds of beans including: kidney, pinto, kello & Euphrates beans
The Hail Caesar’s Salad ---with Romaine lettuce & “miracle” whip
The Phillistine Salad ---chosen by few---loved by many
The Ascension Sunday Salad ---a house specialty---rise and shine and rejoice!
The Kale Mary ---This unusual salad featuring “the little cabbage that’s really starting to catch on!” Served with our very own rosemary dressing
BURGERS ---made with Angus beef from ROME
ST. PETERSBURGER ---this 1/2 pound patty is always prepared to your specifications---a burger bearing this saint’s name better be heavenly!
The DAVID BURGER ---a small burger for the “young soldier of Christ”
The GOLIATH BURGER ---A full pound of our finest beef for those who art tired of fasting---You’ll be so full you might not be able to get up!
CAMEL BURGER ---Camel meat was a very common choice during the time of Abraham---and it is with great pleasure that we offer you this endangered yet pricey delicacy. Brother Kanker says it “tastes like donkey only much gamier” and he wouldn’t lie...
INEXCELCIUS DAGO BURGER---made with lots of melted mozzarella cheese---one of the Pope’s favorite summer meals. You see, THE PONTIFF is known to enjoy many of his meals from the “Holy Weber” while resting in His serene outdoor patio at the Vatican.
The SHORES of GALILEE Seafood Menu
We present our very special seafood offerings. Anything on the Shores of Galilee is always available when we’re open. We are open earlier for Lunch during LENT at 11:00 a.m.
Please remember folks that no matter what you order, “OUR WINE IS ALWAYS WATER” as the wine stewards are prompt in making sure that your goblets remain full...and that ‘s a solemn vow!
SALMON on the MOUNT ---our famous salmon shiskabob made in the kiln that was blessed and frequently used by Pope Etheridge IV and served on an olive branch
BLACKENED BLACK SEA BASS of SOLOMON New Orleans meets Jerusalem ---from the actual Black Sea!
The TROUT of TURIN ---another miracle from the kitchen of Fr. Kanker---never a forgery!
JUDAS ESCARGOT ---taken from our own Parish Snail farm ---try it...you taste buds will not be betrayed!
The DEAD SEA SCRODD ---you’ll feel truly blessed
FILET of SOLE ---This is one sole you can see & eat...and if you can’t finish you can “save your sole” and take it home for leftovers
The YELLOW FIN of JONAH ---No, it’s actually a yellow fin Tuna filet. Our “River Nile Catch of the Day!”
Rolled CARP Balls ---not really Carp at all, but actually, hand dipped herring in our own ancient myrrh bouillabaisse some “wise men” once taught us...
WALLEYE of JERICHO ---better than steak? You tell us! And I bet we know the answer!
RED SEA SNAPPER ---Is it really from the Red Sea? We can’t tell a lie---so please don’t ask!!!
OUR LADY of MT. CARMEL CALAMARI ---served on a bed of caramelized onions
THE HOLY MACKEREL ---this baby is so tender, you’ll swear by it!
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS SAMPLER PLATE
You better be hungry, as this “feeds a multitude!”
BURNED AT THE STEAK
SPECIAL GRILLED MENU
Our seared steaks are the best in the diocese. Look these over...I’m sure there’s a steak for you!
The JOAN OF ARC ---A well done flame-charred Porterhouse...don’t be a martyr, try it
The Mummer’s Steak ---No disguising the great taste of this beauty---taken from an ancient text
THE CRUCIFIXION ---Our wonderful 20 oz. T-Bone steak. “Why hath thou foresaken thee” is a question you’ll ask once you try this delight
THE MORTAL SIN ---A huge 42 oz. Sirloin steak for the true glutton. “Because sometimes you just don’t care anymore!” Order the Mortal Sin today and play “Beat the Bishop!” We have a time clock shaped like Bishop Blanchette that is set for 10 minutes from the time your plate hits the table. If you finish everything on your plate including the baked yam, feathered squash and unleavened bread, your steak is free! But if you don’t “Beat the Bishop” it’ll set you back $49.99 plus the usual 25% Parish gratuity.
You can enjoy many other dishes if steak & seafood don’t whet your appetite such as:
SACRIFICIAL LAMB CHOPS ---We offer this up daily
ADAM’S MISSING RIB ---Our succulent “spare rib” platter
BEEF PURGATORY ---Just one step away from heavenly
The TABERNACLE QUAIL ---Small bird big flavor
CHICKEN a la KING HEROD ---This is a much better dish than he ever was a King!
PORK MARY “MAGDALEAN”---Our leanest piece of pork cooked until it’s so tender you’ll be humbled.
ROMAN NUMERAL CHICKEN ---From the catacombs of Rome, this dish has sated the masses for centuries!
THE ST. FRANCIS of Assisi children’s menu
ST. PAUL’S FISHSTICKS
The david burger (as mentioned before)
beans and frankincense
peanutbutter & black olive jelly
the baby cheeses ---a variety of cheeses the kids enjoy such as American, string, & velveeta, shaped like a little child and resting in a “manger” made of edible rice cake and shredded chocolate “straw.”
THE EARLY MASS
Breakfast hours are daily from 5:oo am until 10:30am except on Sunday’s, Thanksgiving Friday, Christmas Eve, June 6th (Olde Latin New Year’s Day) St. Barthowlomew’s Day, All Martyr’s Day, Feast of the Dove, Palm Saturday, Holy Tuesday, Lincoln’s birthday, Blue Monday, Feast of the Lamb, Black Monday, Arbor Day, Mary’s Birthday, Feast of the First Feast, Feast of our Blessed Lady of Bernadette, Isaiah Thursday, Marauder’s Day, and Ascension Wednesday.
EGGS ST. BENEDICT ---named after the patron Saint of breakfast dishes
POPE PIUS Pancakes with our original sugar “Cane and Abel” syrup ---that says it all!
ROGER BACON, LETTUCE & TOMATO ---most people don’t know that the FRIARS invented the B.L.T. and Roger Bacon was the first monk to shred the swine flesh!
FLAPJACKS NOBISCUM ---with a side order of OLD LATIN LEVITICUS SAUSAGE...it’s et cum spiritutu--oh so good!!!
The “40 days” DESSERT Menu
EVERYDAY IS SUNDAE!
Make sure you save some room in that “temple” of yours because our dessert menu always contains 40 different kinds of dessert. Our “40 days” dessert menu changes daily---so you’ll never tire of our sacrifices. It’s time to give in to temptation as we deliver you these tasty morsels---no contrition necessary! Amen...
BUTTERSCOTCH PALM SUNDAE
EASTER SUNDAE ---made with multi-colored eggs and topped with jelly bean
ANGELFOOD CAKE ---they don’t call this Angelfood cake for nothing!!!
ADAM’S APPLE PIE ---No, that Adam. This pie is made by our own Father Seth Adams who uses nothing but the best “EPHRAIM” green apples.
SHEPHERD'S PIE ---don’t be sheepish---always a favorite at our annual Parish “EUCHARISTIC BALL.”
SISTINE CHAPEL SUNDAE ---Build your very own masterpiece! For those who still have lots of room...choose from the many flavors of ice cream and toppings from our revolving “carousal of confections.”
SACRED BLACK COW ---just like when you were a kid...only blessed!
The BIBLICAL FRUIT PLATTER ---an assortment of figs, dates and olives served on a huge edible eucalyptus leaf
For those who desire to cap off their dining experience with a little libation, we have:
The CONFESSIONAL is our unique bar and entertainment venue in one room! Step up to the “altar” and order a nightcap from our creative bartender and recovering alcoholic, Father Gerald Soberine...and who knows drinks more than a alcoholic priest right?
The Confessional is open Monday through Saturday from 4:00 pm until 1:30 am. Dancing is never discouraged as you can “whirl to the old girl” to the wonderful tapes of the late Mrs. Griffin and her bombastic pipe organ melodies.
And don’t forget---every Saturday evening is “Karaoke Night.” Sing along with Father Vincent as he belts out the “relics” from his youth from Black Sabbath to Spirit to Genesis. You’re encouraged to take over the mike at any time and sing along to your favorite songs. Duets are also welcomed during “hymns and hers” hour every Friday at 10:00 pm. We have everything from Gregorian Chants to Jonas Brothers to Nazareth so don’t be bashful! Also, be sure and stick around until midnight for the “LIMBO CONTEST” and win a free House of Barrabus HOLY CARD! So, leave your guilt at home and lift your “spirits” to the heavens!
Here’s a sampling of some of Fr. Soberine’s self-named mind numbing concoctions:
BLOODY HAIL MARY ---not for virgin lips as this baby’s packing some heat!
the EXTREME UNCTION ---for the serious drinker, a 16 oz. glass containing 8 different liqueurs served with a Godiva Chocolate spoon
the SPANKING NUN ---made with Coffee liqueur, vodka and milk---served with a black licorice stick
LEPER’S REVENGE --- “guts you from the inside out”
AFTER THE FLOOD ---Bored of education? then try the driest martini in town---the perfect after school pick-me-up!
the PONDERING PONTIFF ---What is it? After 2 or 3 you won’t care we promise you...