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Disgusting Child

MATTSBURY, OH- A study conducted by University of Ohio at Mattsbury finds that children, regardless of how cute their parents think they are, are almost always disgusting.  Professor Lisa Varnmar, head of child development research at Univ. of Ohio at Mattsbury says the study confirms beliefs already held by most of the general public.  “Our study revealed, with the utmost certainty, that children from the age of two to ten are absolutely dirty, filthy, and more often than not, very gross,” Professor Varmar said while speaking at the Annual National Conference for Child Development held in Washington D.C.  “We observed some 3,591 children over a span of three years and confirmed, without a shadow of a doubt, that most every last one of ‘em was in fact, pretty nasty- scientifically speaking that is.”

Doctor Martha Ornbrek, head of the Children’s Hospital of Orlando says she is not the least bit surprised by the study.  “In my twenty-some-odd years of professional experience I have found children ranging in ages from two to ten years to be nothing but vomitus little booger balls,” Dr. Ornbrek said during an interview at her office in Orlando.  “Don’t let those big eyes and chubby cheeks fool ya.  Kids today are straight up foul, vile little creatures.”  Dr. Ornbrek added: “Trust me, when children stick their hand down their pants, they ain’t pullin’ out little balls of magic.  They’re pullin’ out globs of shit, and that’s just plain disgusting.”  When asked to comment about parents of younger children, who may not agree with the study’s findings, Dr. Ornbrek stated: “The thing about parents of younger children is that most of them are idiots and really have no business commenting on academic research.  I’d recommend that these parents who yap about stuff they know nothing about, stop concerning themselves with high level academic research and start concerning themselves with wiping their kid’s nasty snotty nose.”

The University of Ohio at Mattsbury study will be published in next month’s edition of the New England Journal of Medicine in an article, entitled “Children: Just as Gross as We Thought They Were.”

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