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Stats & Data

February 28, 2009


1) Television
Your first real best friend. No one quite remembers when TV was first introduced it has seemingly always been there. Offering you the good stuff every day after school and every Saturday morning. 'He-Man', 'Transformers', 'Turtles' through to 'The Sopranos', 'Flight of the Conchords' and 'South Park'. Television doesn't judge you (well except for lifestyle programmes, but any self respecting dude shouldn't be watching those programmes anyway, except to judge others and laugh). Television loves you for who you are, and now comes in HD. Nice.
2) Learning how to ride a bike
You usually learn how to ride a bike anywhere between the ages of 5-8, though there are no doubts in your mind that if your feet could reach the pedals you would be driving a car easily. At first your dad would try to make you use training wheels - you would refuse, as they would make you look like a retard. This meant that your dad would run alongside you, whilst you were pedaling before he would let you go, and then suddenly you would be riding! At this point you had yet to master braking or turning so you would promptly crash. A momentous day, never to be forgotten.
3) NES
I have gone on about the greatness of the NES on numerous occasions, but there cannot be one 20something dude who never uttered the famous lines to his parents "I swear if you get me a NES, I will never ask for anything again! It can be my Christmas present and birthday presents, please I promise nothing ever again." You lived and died by this promise until shortly thereafter you clocked (finished) all your games and then made the exact same promise except with 'Insert Name of Game'.
4) First fight not with a sibling
Up until this point in your life all of your fighting experience had been limited to hair pulling and scratching skirmishes with your brother or sister. Some of you might even have been weird and not fought with your siblings, or you might be a single child, and so had not even had this limited experience. As such all of your knowledge about fighting was garnered from TV shows such as the 'A-Team' - where every punch is accompanied with a nice "punchtchch" sound effect and doesn't look like it hurts in the slightest. It is a rude awakening when you find out that the real sound a punch makes is more of a dull smack sound. And it hurts.
5) Your first CD
Everyone remembers the first CD they bought, a lot of people often laugh at the uselessness of the first CD they ever bought. I personally stand by my choice of 'The All Time Greatest Movie Songs' - that is an excellent album. Due to the advances in technology, today's 'yoof' will not have the fond memory of the first CD they bought, but rather the distant blurred memory of the first track they (illegally) downloaded.
6) Breasts/Girls
Up until about 12, girls had rightly always been viewed as the enemy. Then you start to get the first few pathetic 'bum-fluff' sproutings of a moustache. With the onset of a moustache to rival that of your granny's, also comes a new found appreciation of cachungas. Much like you knew you had to have the NES, you now know that the rest of your days will be spent, in a 'Goldilocks-style' mythical search for the pair of cachungas that are just right for you. You will now spend approximately 98% of all your waking life thinking up schemes and novel new ways to increase the likelihood of you finding the perfect pair of cachungas for you.
7) You stop denying your 'extra-curricular' activities
Along with the onset of your new life quest/moustache, other changes start to take place in young people around this time. Famously around this time, you start feeling the urge to 'relieve' yourself. You will of course strenuously deny ever having 'relieved' yourself until you reach about the age of 17, when you suddenly have an epiphany and not only admit to your wanton act of 'self-relief' but start boasting about it. At this point a whole new reader base is ready to be signed up to FHM, Maxim and CollegeHumor.com, and girls of the same age start to realize how disgusting men can be.
8) Your first fake I.D.
Now you know what your life's mission is, you got to get your ass out the house and start doing something about it. You need to be where the girls are at, and that is nearly always in a club. You are hindered by numerous things in your mission to gain entrance to a club; 1) your face (that is riddled with acne), 2) your rubbish clothes/lack of money and 3) the fact that you look about nine, but mostly the fact that you look about nine. In order to gain entrance you buy an 'authentic' I.D. card of the interweb, or you cunningly alter the dates on your student card with a biro pen. The irony is that just a few years later you will take it as a compliment when someone asks to see your I.D.
9) First vacation without parents
Your relentless pursuit of milestone #6 continues unabated and now takes you to foreign climbs, away from the 'cock-blocking' reach of your parents. You will invariably be with lots of other like-minded individuals. You will return unsuccessful and sun burnt, but the experiences gained will stand you in good stead for the future.
10) First time you have to pay full price adult ticket
Your student discount is getting smaller in the back window and you are now having to pay full price for things. Welcome to the real world my friend, like a vicious slap to the face from Ali in his prime, it is generally your local transport authority who is first to welcome you unceremoniously to the real world (though sometimes it can be a cinema.) At this point you realize that you need to get a job. Unlucky. I recommend you avoid spreadsheets.