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April 16, 2011

As Seen On Bolevin.com

I am a huge fan of the NBC sitcom Community, and needless to say, Troy is by far the funniest black man on television.  Hyped up by this intro, you probably understand the immense excitement I underwent when I found out that Donald Glover (Troy) is a musician as well as a glorious actor and writer.  He raps under the alias of his Wu Tang name, Childish Gambino.  (My Wu Tang name is Ungrateful Ninja by the way).


I was blown away by Childish Gambino’s lyrics.  So blown away in fact that I figured that if a high pitched, black comedian can be a successful rapper, so can a constantly drunk, South African white boy.  The first thing I did was pick a rapping alias.  And after watching the late afternoon episode of Oprah I decided that I am going to spit under the rapping alias: Ungrateful Ninja.  Original I know!  Then I printed about 8 flyers advertising auditions for additional band members and I casually nailed the flyers into trees, big and small.  The auditions was for later in the afternoon, because if I get an idea, or if I’m motivated to do something, past experience has taught me that I should start right away before I lose interest. 


Well needless to say, the auditions were a huge success!  Three people pitched up at the auditions, and I instantly recognised their hidden talents, and after initiation we started performing songs.  The band members are:  Homeless Marvin (he hits a snare drum real classy), Faggy Frederick (he is a flute magician), and Nick (he plays a little bass).   I was the leading fella, but I had the epiphany, while I was trimming my pubes (in order to seem more presentable at the auditions), that in order to be original I had to make discreet animal noises, rather than using human words.  Who the fuck doesn’t want to watch 3 extremely average social outcasts rape their instruments, while a charismatic leading god is imitating a pregnant scorpion?  Only aggressive Catholics that’s who. 


After performing our first single once, I say performing because I feel it’s better to just play in the moment than to write something down, I went ahead and signed us up for the local school’s talent show.  Written songs lack passion, while a freestylin’ Ungrateful Ninja duck quacks the living hell out of a song.  And by the way, the school talent show thing isn’t weird because Faggy Frederick is a senior in sed school.  That’s one of the main reasons I let him join the band, because I really wanted to impress high school girls, but I was struggling to get over the fact that Faggy Frederick playing a flute greatly resembles him playing a penis.  Still we have some performing to do because the talent show auditions is on Saturday the 10th (that’s 2 days bitches).  I’ll update you as soon as there’s any news!


Homeless Marvin ate all the good popsicles now I’m stuck with mother fucking lemon.