Full Credits

Stats & Data

July 18, 2008



Take this simple test to measure your ability to detect LIFE versus created COMEDY: which one is TRUE, and which ones are actual sketches?

1) Two men decorate the car of a newlywed couple during the wedding ceremony and find out afterward it’s the wrong car.

2) A clumsy son knocks over a plant called Mother-of-thousands that his mother has in her house. He tells her about it by saying “You know that Mother of Thousands plant? It’s down to 999 now.”

3) A man and his 8-year old son are at an all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant. The boy has piled way too much food on his plate. The man says, “I think your eyes are bigger than your stomach. Do you know what that means?” “Yes”, the boy says, “it means my stomach is smaller than my eyes”.

4) A six-year old son is enjoying the walk he and his dad are taking. They had walked to the scene of a fire that was just determined to be a false alarm. As they pass by a police car in the street the man takes out a notebook and starts writing down the license plate of the squad car. “Hey whaddya doin there?”, yells the policeman from the driver’s seat. The man looks up from his notebook and says, “I’m givin’ you a ticket cause you’re double-parked, officer!” The cop rolls his eyes, laughs, and says: “Move along, citizen!”

5) A young lady is in a hurry as she buys an outfit to wear to a baby shower that day. Just before walking into the event she puts on the jacket to the outfit, and notices a clothing alarm is still attached to it. The warning states ALARM MUST BE PROPERLY REMOVED FROM CLOTHING ARTICLE BY STORE CASHIER OR PERMANENT RED DYE WILL LEAK FROM ALARM ONTO CLOTHING. She must leave her right arm at her side during the baby shower to hide the alarm from view. After the baby shower she returns to the store so they may properly remove the clothing alarm.

6) A student gets picked on by a bully in grade school. Years later the bully is an insurance salesman. The boy picked on by the bully finds out and signs up for lots of insurance from him, but intentionally fills out the paperwork with silly information. The bully-turned-salesman never calls him back to correct the info.

7) An altar boy is leading a long procession at the start of a mass to light the Easter candle. He is holding a large cross, and out of habit he rings the bell that signals the congregation to stand, unaware that everyone normally remains seated during the start of this special mass. Behind him are two rows of three other altar boys followed by the parish pastor, who gives him a swift kick in the butt and whispers: “You sonuvabitch!”

8) A group of six is enjoying a tour ride thru the desert in a jeep. The guide is driving the lead car of four other cars in pursuit during a friendly game of cat-and-mouse. The sand dunes are very hilly and stomach-turning. After a half-hour of this “rollercoaster” ride a passenger in the back seat must throw up but is unable to roll down the window. The person
“riding shotgun” reaches back to work the button just in time as the passenger pukes out the window.

9) A man is combing his moustache in the mirror when a friend walks in. The friend says: “Are you growing a moustache?” The man replies, “I don’t think of it as growing a moustache, I prefer to think of it as “not shaving”. How does it look?” “Okay I guess”, the first man says, “how do you like it?”
“Well” says the mustachioed man, “after awhile it kind of grows on you.”

10) Two men carry an eight-foot long stuffed swordfish around busy downtown city streets to advertise for a local bar.

11) A mother is discussing Christmas with her seven year-old daughter. “What do you want for Christmas, mom?” The mom says: “I want a child that will listen to me when I tell them to do something, like pick up their mess, or take a bath, or go to bed”. “Well”, the daughter says, “my brother can give that to you!”



ALL the above are true. The first person mentioned in each story is me, except for #5 (my daughter), and #11 (My sister and her daughter.)

 Here's a little history on each: 

1) My brother-in-law and I really did this. What we thought was my brother and his bride's car turned out to belong to another couple at the wedding.  There was ANOTHER white Honda Accord in the parking lot, thought we searched the lot TWICE and only saw one.  A small fenced-in area, for the Church staff, is where the newlyweds had parked.  I remember "decorating" the car, thinking how funny it would be if it was the wrong one...after the ceremony I stood on the front steps of the church, waiting for pictures to be taken.  An older Indian couple walked up to me: "Tom, I think there has been a mistake..."  Fortunately, they were headed for the reception, so they waited for the pictures to be taken and drove the bride and groom to the reception.  As it turns out, when the Indian couple were married years earler they didn't even own a car, so this was a way to enjoy something they didn't experience. 

2) I did this, and it’s one of my mom’s favorite stories to this day. I followed the 999 line with: “someday we’ll look back at this and laugh”. I was right.

3) My son Matt said this.

4) This is probably my fondest memory of my dad. He was an extrovert, to say the least. Authority didn’t bother him, he bothered authority.

5) This happened to my daughter recently. Of course, if you know her it’s automatically funnier, but just imagine this happening to you.  It’s such a perfect example of why getting stressed about situations is not worth it; something funny this way comes.

6) That was me, and I won’t mention the bully’s name because I’m better than that. (Same first name as me, last name = Sweeney.)

7) This happened to me.  A swift kick in the butt and an angry whisper from the pastor as we walk out to Easter Sunday mass.  Surreal, bizarre…I thought I was going to have to answer to the Pope that day.

8) This happened to a good friend of mine, and I was there to enjoy it. I have pics somewhere. A great example of how something may not seem funny in print, but the actual event was hilarious. This happened in the Oman desert in Spring of 2001. I was in the Navy at the time. We made a port visit to Jebel Ali, near Dubai. Four of us from the ship rode with a tour guide thru the desert in a Jeep, leading the way for three other Jeeps. I rode shotgun and held onto the “OH SHOOT!”-handle the whole time. This event is truly the funniest thing that has ever happened to me: the entire ride was an hour long. By the half hour mark we were sore from laughing so hard and being scared to death so much---imagine riding a rollercoaster for a half hour straight. THEN it happened. My buddy was holding his mouth like he was going to puke and fumbling for the window button. I thought he was being funny and it made me laugh even more. I mean, after the first five minutes I had tears, and at this point I’m getting hoarse from laughing and yelling so loud. When I realized he was serious I pushed the button for the window. Some of it ended outside (mostly down the side of the car), some did not. After the window went back up we still had another half hour to go. I thought I was going to split my bellybutton from laughing so hard. This story always brings a huge smile to my face and tears to my eyes. If you ever get a chance to enjoy laughter and fear for an hour straight, do it.

9) I said this without thinking about it. It was silly and funny and punny.

10) Me and a guy named John Scott. 1979, downtown St. Louis. We were advertising the Mine Shaft Comedy Club on Pine Street near 10th I think, which has long been torn down. Jay Leno played there in mid-70’s. Two guys from the dozen of us have kept with it all these years: Craig Hawksley and Dan Chopin. Check them out in my pics, they each have websites and are comedy icons in St. Louis.

11) My little sister and her daughter. Get those two talking and it’s like Lucille Ball meets Carol Burnett.