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May 24, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

On Wednesday, Herman Cain defended Mitt Romney by comparing his work as CEO of Godfather’s Pizza to Romney’s role at Bain Capital. For example, Romney considers corporations to be people while Cain considers pizzas to be personal friends.

Airlines that charge passengers the most hidden fees have become the most profitable carriers. A huge rebuke to those who said ninjas couldn't run airlines.

Britain announced it will ban leaders guilty of human rights abuses from coming to the country for the 2012 Olympics. So welcome, leaders of Malta and Greenland. Wait, no. Just Greenland. Welcome, Greenland.

"Jersey Shore" star Snooki confirmed she's having a boy. Snooki said she's happy with the change, as she's used to just having men. Lots and lots of men.

For the first time ever, researchers have turned skin cells into heart muscle cells that can be used to repair cardiac tissue. And Dick Cheney's never felt better.

Facebook is being sued by shareholders for allegedly concealing information before the company went public on the stock market. For example, all those pictures of Facebook shirtless and doing beer bongs.

Johnny Depp has been made an honorary Comanche. Proving that Native Americans will also find any excuse to hang out with Johnny Depp.

Anderson Cooper kicked a woman off his show after she admitted to giving her 7-year-old daughter vouchers for plastic surgery. To be fair, he did just receive indignation implants.

The Pakistani doctor who helped the U.S. find Osama bin Laden was sentenced to 33 years in prison and fined $3,400 for treason. The U.S. responded by saying, "I guess we could maybe pay some of that fine for you."

The inventor of the TV remote control died this week. He was found buried underneath a couch cushion. He was into autoerotic asphyxiation.

New York State lawmakers are proposing legislation that would crack down on anonymous online comments. Particularly ones accusing New York State lawmakers of proposing useless legislation.