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11 Funny Votes
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Published June 23, 2011

    Last weekend, marked the 4th time since the killing of Osama "I haven't" Bin-Laden "Forever", that the United States has caught Pakistan lying with their pants on fire.  U.S. Intelligence set up a sting operation to expose the fair-weather Pakistani military, by telling authorities about specific bomb-making locales that were already under U.S. surveillance.  The U.S. set up the stakeout to see what the Pakistani military would do with the top secret information.  Within hours, the bomb-makers were tipped off, and could be seen, via satellite and an unmanned drone, packing up weapons and supplies, and getting the fuck outta Dodge (If it helps, picture the evacuation in fast forward with the Benny Hill theme song behind it).  When the late response team finally arrived there was no trace of any kind of bomb-making tomfoolery.

  Pakistan is still very upset with the U.S. over being left out of the Bin-Laden raid plans.  They believe any military campaign, such as the raid on Bin-Laden's fortress, violates the sovereignty of the nation.  Pakistan swears they weren't gonna tell anyone.  Meanwhile, Senator John McCain believes we should get some kind of return for the 1.5 billion in annual aid the U.S. gives Pakistan.  Essentially, the U.S. is buying cooperation that they're not getting.  If this was a Miami Vice episode, the weasel drug dealer would have been fed to sharks a long time ago (with Phil Collins music playing in the background).

  The problem for Pakistan is three fold.  They don't want to make the U.S. too angry because they need their money and strength to protect them against Taliban warlords and India.  They don't want to anger the Islamic extremists, for fear of a massive backlash when the U.S. decides to leave.  They need either of these enemies to protect themselves from India.  Pakistan is a chess piece with nuclear capabilities; therefore a nightmare of epic proportions for international diplomacy.  The U.S. can't afford to do nothing with the heart of Islamic extremism lying along the Pakistan/Afghanistan border.

  I can't tell if Pakistan is really very smart or very stupid.  They're constantly hedging their bets, while taking a stance of inaction.  How many times can you get caught blatantly lying?  Are they trying to get caught?  Earlier today, General Major Athar Abbas, offered up what appeared to be a fairly obvious scapegoat, when he announced the detaining of alleged extremist, Brigadier Ali Khan.  Ali Khan was linked to a to an extremist group, Hizb-uh-Tahrir, that preaches non-violence.  Do they seriously think that evens the score.  "Here's an old patsy, five weeks away from retirement.  No hard feelings eh?"  Their gonna keep fucking the U.S. in the ass because they can and they have to.

  Recent polls showed that only 37% of Pakistanis supported the war against the Taliban.  Only 12% had a positive view of the U.S. and 14% approved of the raid on Bin-Laden.  What do these numbers tell us?  Pakistan absolutely loves us.  They don't want us there and we don't want to be there, but if there's anyplace in the world our soldiers need to be, it's right there.

  My plan to salvage whatever diplomatic relations we have left with Pakistan, involves introducing Pakistan to HBO Sunday night programming, marijuana, and Popeyes chickens (picture buckets of fried chicken with little parachutes being dropped from the sky).  We'll send over an all-star team of cable guys that can be expected to arrive anywhere between next week and Augustish.  Make them fat and happy and complacent.  They'll be all to happy to cradle that bucket of fried chicken, like Winnie the Pooh cradled a bucket of tasty ass honey, while watching vampires and werewolves and shit on True Blood.      

   

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