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June 25, 2009


You’ve got some spare time today and you’re looking to play a little basketball with some friends.  You walk into the gym or go the park to get in a friendly pick-up basketball game and there he is… “That Guy.”  Although they are likely to spend more time on the sidelines calling next, you may have one or two of them playing in the actual game if they brought the game ball or arrived two hours early so they would be able to get into their first game this week.

He shows up to the court acting like he’s Jim McMahon rocking the Adidas circa 1985.  His jersey, shorts, shooting shirt, socks, shoes, shooting sleeve, finger sleeve, knee brace, wrist band, sweat band, rec-specs, towel, bag, basketball, and water bottle all match like he just came from a shopping spree at Foot Locker.

He follows the And-1 Mixtape tour religiously like a hippie and Phish.  He has a slick sounding nickname; however, he fails to mention that he gave it to himself.  You initially think to yourself maybe this guy has some game until his first no-look, 360 crossover pass behind his back sails ten yards wide of the nearest player on either team.  His shot selection consists of fadeaways in triple coverage taken at half court.  Every time he gets the ball it is a travel, carry, errant pass, or dribble off his foot as he attempts a shot with a degree of difficulty usually reserved for a game of horse with money riding on the outcome.

He acts surprised if [read when] he misses, but if he somehow makes one he yells “money”, “count it”, or “and one.”  Don’t be fooled into believing that he made the shot due to any skill – he most likely was cherry picking as he takes most defensive play off and plays only limited offense.

Be careful when you guard him.  He may throw elbows as he goes up for a rebound and then again when he comes down with the ball.  He throws moving screens and sticks his foot out just enough to catch and trip you.  He is almost certainly sweating profusely like you are playing on the surface of the sun.  You aren’t quite sure whether he is actually sweating that much or just jumping in the nearby pool during water breaks.  He will most likely not be wearing any deodorant and have quite a pungent aroma, be abnormally hairy like a yeti, have raging bacne from all the supplements he takes to “raise his game to the next level”, or some combination of the three.  Obviously he will call skins and want to match up with you.