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Oh hey Delaware. I see a Tea Party candidate named Christine O'Donnell has won your Republican primary. And I see that she hates masturbating. Um, nice try.

I'll masturbate in Delaware whenever I want.

Here's your candidate in the 90s, being a total buzzkill:


Oh, I can't masturbate without lust? Incorrect, O'Donnell. Often, I do it out of anger. Often, I do it out of boredom. And you know what I do any time I set foot in Delaware? I get bored. And then I get angry that I'm so bored. Then, I masturbate in Delaware. The very state you're planning to outlaw masturbating.

And just so you know, I'm not some deviant. Some uncontrollable masturbator. I'm an American. An American who stands up for the rights of other Americans. And if that means masturbating in a state I have no business in masturbating in, so be it. And Tea Party, I thought your whole thing was standing up for Americans. Restoring truth. But the truth is, most Americans love masturbating. That's the truth. And most do it while watching your poster-girl give a down-homey speech. Refudiate that.

So Tea Party, you probably feel very good that you've secured the Republican party nomination, but let me ask you this: Is there a Masturbation party in Delaware? If there's not there should be, and I'd like to throw my name in the hat for its nomination. Now, sure, I know what you're saying: "What makes you so qualified to be a politician," "You don't know how to run the government of a fake state," "Why are you touching yourself? Oh I see you're just making a statement and proving your merit as a candidate for these United States." Those are all valid questions. Questions I will answer while masturbating in Delaware.

barry.jpgBarry R. is a staunch supporter of good times. He can't be followed on Twitter or Facebook because he's usually out partying.
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