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June 28, 2008
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Mission Impossible- Doggie Style

Jim McPartland

Funnyordie.com/jbmcpart

For anyone that thought this was kind of sexual commentary, go back to the Jenna Jamison flicks. There’s no innuendo here, just a passion I have for our 4 legged furry “I-love-you-no-matter-how-big-a- jerk-you’ve-been-today” best friends.

Yes, folks. The dog.

To this day, I have no idea why I’m as passionate about canines as I am. Former life? It does seem I like I occasionally want to put my head out a car window, tongue flaying in the wind. I know it’s not because I want to smell your butt. Something to be said for evolution.

Here I am in Monroe, Ct. Recently, the Board of Zoning won a judicial case that said my favorite nonprofit, The SPCA of Ct.,  could only keep 29 dogs on his property. He usually has around 80. He can keep 15,243 cats, but only 29 dogs. I think cats shit too- but who I am to argue with judicial justice?

The real crux of the problem is the noise from barking 80 dogs make and the neighbors whose property abuts to the SPCA’s. I understand why the neighbors feel this way- it does get pretty loud during the day, but it’s quiet at night AND when I was on the Board of Tax Assessment Appeals, I gave each of them a 25% discount on their taxes. That’s equivalent to $2000 per house per year. If $2000 a year can’t get you over some noise during the day, what can?

So now, within 1 year, Fred Acker has to get his dog population from 80 down to 29. 50 dogs have to find homes (and all of them will because Fred is a no kill facility, the only kind I’ll work at). Fred’s ‘children’ come from Puerto Rico or Southern Red States where they treat dogs like cattle- don’t spay and neuter them (none of them apparently watches ‘The Price is Right’), and- worse- torture them in the most sadistic, fucked up ways imaginable. Worse than anything at Abu Graib.

My buddy Buck, the Chihuahua mix that you see on my blog site, was shot in the leg in South Carolina and has buckshot in his leg forever, causing a limp (he never moans about it though, another good things dogs have over some people). I hope this was not done intentionally, but based on my observations of the fucked up Deliverance people I’ve seen in those harbors of ‘genetically inbred hillbillies’, I have my doubts.

Thursday Fred, the Dog Saint who owns the SPCA, calls me. He says “There are 9 dogs coming out of Puerto Rico. Can you watch one (or more) them for a few days or weeks?”

Fred had gone to pick up these dogs at 5 AM Thursday morning in Hartford on a flight from Puerto Rico. These dogs are a mess- nervous, scared shitless. The good thing is now that they’re here, they’re saved. The bad thing is Puerto Rico wanted to send more, but we don’t have enough people right now to foster one or more during the week.

Before I continue, I should tell you about Fred. Fred gave up a life of luxury to devote his existence to saving lives. He lives at the house. Where all the dogs are. The barking ones. And yeah, the cats. Someone once said Fred’s biggest problem is he likes dogs more than people. That’s true. But the people that have not been responsible owners which cause these dogs to show up here do not deserved to be liked. Sometimes I think we need another Civil War to again prove they lost, they’re not very bright, and slavery is over.

So how could I say no? I knew my wife would bitch (I understand why and she’s pretty good after she gets it out of her system).

The answer is if I had there’d be dead dogs somewhere and I can’t live with that I hate to be blunt, but yes gang, they’d be dead. If you think that sodium pentobarbital** is so great, take it yourself. That’s why I couldn’t be a Vet- I could give it to a cancer patient, but not a dying dog. And a dog that’s healthy?? I’d give it to those Southern bastards first. 95% of the dogs we get are GREAT. No problems- so there are MILLIONS—count the zeros folks 0,000,000’s ---of great dogs that die way before their time because nobody wants them and they just keep having litters of 8 which, of course, leads to more dead dogs. You, if you’re Catholic, can’t be sterilized, but I think even the Church says it’s fine for Snoopy.

I felt like Tom Cruise, with the music playing, tape disintegrating, sunglasses and phony nose, it was funny in a sad way. I go over, grab ‘Chocolate’, a 2 year old mix of ‘God knows what’ (again, mixing breeds= good, straight family trees in West Virginia= bad).

Chocolate had obviously been abused because she’s so scared you may hit her, she cowers and drops to the the floor. The good news is within 2 hours of ‘Sweetie, I wouldn’t hit you’, she starts to come out of her shell. Today (Saturday) I’m bringing her back to get her adopted this weekend. As I’m going to work there both days, it’ll be a no brainer because I had her for 3 days and she’s PERFECT.

And to think she could be dead cause tears to well in my eyes.

If you have any doubts about the horrificness of killing an animal like a dog (and don’t say ‘put to sleep’ if their healthy- that’s a cowards way of talking), I recommend you force yourself to sit through some of those HBO documentaries that film the process. I had to get drunk the time I did it and I couldn’t do it again without real nightmares.

My neighbor recently gave me a framed saying. It’s a quote from Jon Gores. It says-

‘Old Age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to’.

Thank God I’m young.

And although I can really only own 2 now, I take sheer joy in seeing the rest go to good families that will take care of them.

If there’s a Dog Heaven, I think that’s where I’d like to go. You in??

 

**- Editor’s Note- My thanks to KateCastella for the actual drug name. Kate, I hope you and the other 2 current ‘Witches of Eastwick’ will be in Dog Heaven with me. I will then have a completely restful eternity!

***- Double Editor's Note- Chocolate got adopted this past Wednesday 7/3. I had another great one (Midnight) who's getting adopted today 7/6. 8 of 9 PR dogs got adopted in 8 days. Pretty cool!

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