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May 22, 2012

We live in a world where the undersmart are slowly taking over. Some would argue they've already conquered the planet. Recipes for the Undersmart is designed to marry the two worlds.

A Damn Bowl of Cereal

I have recently come into acquaintance with a gentleman so inept, so lazy, so selfish that he cannot be bothered to fetch his own bowl of cereal. Cereal is the step up from grabbing a piece of fruit. It takes more effort to go to the McDonald’s drive-through than it does to construct a bowl of cereal.

While it is a multiple step endeavour, I have put together a manual of sorts to assist those incapable of the difficult task of cereal consumption.

1. One must acquire the cereal.

Make your way to your favourite grocery store. If you don’t know what that is, please turn off your computer. You shouldn’t handle advanced devices. Don’t even reach for a pen.

2. The cereal aisle can be a daunting place.

Here is figure 1, to assist you in locating the cereal aisle.

Choose wisely. This is life or death.

3. Select a box of cereal you find acceptable.

I will not assist you in your choice. Eat what you want. If you haven’t chosen cereal, you’ve missed the point and should leave now.

4. Take your cereal, along with whatever other purchases you wish to make at the grocery store up to the cashier.

This is usually located near the front of the store. Figure two will clarify.

Merle was hired in 1972. She has no toes.


5. The cashier will exchange their goods for your money.

This is how consumerism works. Cash, credit or debit will suffice. Here is a picture of money if you are confused.


6. After exchanging custom, take your purchases home with you.

Groceries are usually taken into the kitchen once they’ve arrived home. For those of you needing a refresher on what a kitchen may or may not look like, here is figure 4.

No one likes a cranky kitty.

7. Remove the cereal from your grocery bag.

Open the box. Procure your milk from your refrigerator. If you haven’t any milk, return to the grocery store, and repeat steps one through six, only insert ‘milk’ for ‘cereal’ in all instances. Pour milk and cereal into a bowl. Figure 5 will explain.

It looks exactly like this in real life.

8. Sit down at the flat surface of your choice.

You may also stand, if so desired. Again, at your discretion, select a utensil and dip it into your cereal. Retract once your utensil is suitably loaded with aforementioned cereal, and lift cereal to your mouth. Open mouth, and insert cereal. Chew, swallow, and repeat the process. Figure 6 shows a satisfied cereal consumer.

A satisfied customer.

There you have it, the inner workings of a bowl of cereal. Enjoy, but do so safely.