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June 17, 2017
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I mean, come on, there's just no way in hell that man can golf.

Politics aside, there’s just no way Donald J. Trump plays golf. Golf is a noble sport, filled with class and dress codes and rules, so many rules. Plus, they rarely ever have Coors Light on hand, which is the closest a person can get to drinking urine without just going “straight to the tap”. Golf courses stand for everything Trump rallies against. So then why does he keep going to them, week after week? Here are a few theories:

1. He Likes To Smell The Grass

Old people lose their sense of smell pretty early on into senior citizenship. Since Trump’s well into his senior year(s), the subtle smell of fresh-cut grass would’ve long since left his nostrils. However, the inhalant combination of gopher repellant, fertilizer, and insecticides cut through his dull smeller to his decrepit brain, inspiring thoughts of dancing cash, checks that don’t bounce, and Scrooge McDuck in lingerie.

2. Making Sure No One Touches His Treasure

Worried that he’d eventually liquidate all of his assets, Mr. J. Trump buried his family’s heirloom plates (china) in holes around the course. Paranoid as ever, perhaps from the fumes mentioned in #1, he spends money that could be used for literally anything else on a routine check-in that could be performed by literally anyone else.

3. Just Picking Up Sticks

In his defense, there are a lot of sticks.

4. Testing Out His New Invention

“I’ve got these shoes, right? They’ve got razorblades on the bottom and kids, they – fat ones, you know – run around on your unkempt lawn then BOOM! You got a skinny kid and a nice lawn and no gasoline wasted. Here, watch.” He runs around the grass for no longer than 10 seconds, then hunches over as he tries to catch his breath. “Yep. These’ll sell. No more fats.”

5. Learning To Ride A Bike

I learned to ride a bike the same way everyone did; by hopping on at the top of a grassy hill and riding that metal bronco right down to the bottom. What’s got lots of grass and hills and very few security cameras? Say it with me now: A GOLF COURSE. America’s favorite juvenile senior citizen is finally learning to ride a bike and he’s doing it at the golf course. Sure, it’s costing millions, but dammit, let the man ride!

6. Squatchin’

Trump for sure believes Sasquatch is out there, but won’t get down and dirty to look for him. So, he quiets his internal squatch radar by walking around every golf course in the continental United States on the government’s dime to see if a Yeti is loping around on the links.

7. Hiding

“Everyone knows I’m on the golf course. But nobody - not even hot women - will know where on the golf course I am.”

Every single one of these theories is more plausible than believing the 45th President of the United States of America, Donald J. Trump, plays golf. He just doesn’t.

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