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November 24, 2011

Why is social media popular? Because we are creepy, needy, insecure, and on the make, so why not embrace it?

Personally, I want to turn my social life into a feat of German engineering by pigeon-holing every human being I know and quantifying exactly how much I regard them as a friend via a 1 to 66.3 scale.

Then I want the thoughts of people I have crushes on, or who can get me a job, beamed directly into my cerebral cortex (a brain feed, which is not to be confused with Halifax-Cornwaller Industries high quality brain feed for livestock).

I also want to alienate people (or creep them out) by revealing to them where I've placed them in my social hierarchy since there is bound to be inequity of feeling between me and everyone I've ever known.

Finally, I want to experience intense depression and self-loathing as Facebook forces me to stare the social voids of my life right in their pale blue head silhouettes, for I should have people I can characterize as "best friends"--someone to "be in a relationship with" because my relationship with cheese doesn't count (it's an open relationship).


If everything works out I'll be able to add people to Facebook like they are trophies; failing that, I can delude myself with the fantasy that I am known and loved through the magic of parasocial interaction.