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July 10, 2017

"Excuse me? That wall-crawling vermin doesn't even have a GED?"

Spider-Man: Homecoming swung into theaters this weekend, and we can’t wait to see how Peter Parker finds time to fight crime, attend Homecoming, and finish Aunt May’s chores. Pretty impressive for a teenager. We told 7 of Spider-Man’s most legendary foes he was in high school, and you’ll never guess what they had to say:



“Spider-Man is my oldest nemesis— what? He’s in high school? Are you fucking kidding me? I wasn’t even allowed to take the subway alone until I was 21. And I’ve worked my way up to this? A forty-year old man flying around in a bird costume, constantly getting captured by a pubeless dweeb? Mom is right, I should go back to law school…”



“I’ll crush Spidey like the bug he is– hold on, he’s just a high schooler? Like, grades 9-12? Well, he must be the star football player slash homecoming king— he’s a nerd??? Stop right there. I’m gonna go blast my biceps. I refuse to get beat up by a virgin, again.”



“Well, that explains why he wouldn’t stop laughing when I told him my name was Shocker. So immature. He won’t be laughing when the Shocker ROCKS his whole body until completion, of his life. OK, I get why he was laughing now.”

Black Cat

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“You know, for a web-head, he has a cute butt– WHAT!? I UPSIDE-DOWN KISSED A SPIDER-BOY??? Ughhhh I should have figured it out when he asked if we could ‘make out with our tongues’. Oh god, I’m a grown woman! I have a 401k! I know I’m already wanted for grand larceny, assault and kidnapping, but I’m not that kind of predator.”

Green Goblin

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“Damn, I thought I was the youngest super-person around. I should have known, since Spidey is SUCH a bully. Whenever we fight he teases me about the color of my skin, and he basically killed my dad. And I’M the bad guy.”

Doctor Octopus


“Excuse me? That wall-crawling vermin doesn’t even have a GED? What was the point of going to evil medical school only to be thwarted by a teenager? Once I rob enough banks to finish paying off my student debt, I am totally going to blow up his high school.”

J. Jonah Jameson


“Spider-who? If I wanted photos of a dorky high schooler I’d check my nephew’s Snapchat. No, the real menace is digital media. It’s killing The Daily Bugle. If Peter Parker could get me pictures of Slender-Man or Pepe the Frog-man, that’s what the people really want.

What’s that? Parker’s a high schooler too? Hang on- BETTY! CANCEL PARKER’S PAYCHECK! HE’S AN INTERN NOW!”