Explaining The Pictures of Dinosaurs Having Sex To Your Children

A new study has revealed the positions in which paleontologists believe dinosaurs had sex, complete with detailed illustrations. Very exciting. As kids love dinosaurs and are known to be inquisitive, here's a handy guide for how to talk to your child about it. 

 

They'll Ask: How did dinosaurs have sex?

You'll Answer: They kind of straddled each other and rubbed what was called a cloaca together as a mating ritual. 

 

They'll Ask: What's a cloaca?

You'll Answer: Uhhhh, it's a single body opening used for urination, as well reproduction. 

 

They'll Ask: So they just rub them?

You'll Answer: I guess. (Say with intrigue as you never pondered this, but are certainly interested)

 

They'll Ask: So is that like scissoring?

You'll Answer: Really good call...Wait, what? How do you know what scissoring is?

 

They'll Say: Mom said it once. 

You'll Answer: Mom says a lot of things. (Stare off in the distance as this strikes a chord with you)

 

They'll Ask: So if it's not like scissoring, how does it work?

You'll Answer: (You'll show them a picture of two dinosaurs doing it because of a sudden need to impress your child)

 

 

They'll Ask: Did you draw that?

You'll Answer: No, the one I drew didn't turn out as good and actually I made it years before this study even began, as I am wont to do with my free time. Also don't ever open any of my notebooks. 

 

They'll Ask: Can I stop looking at this picture now? It's making me sad.

You'll Answer: Just 5 more minutes. 

 

Wait 5 minutes. Really be accurate with the scarring of your children. 

 

They'll Ask: So dinosaurs have penises and vaginas?

You'll Answer: Do they! (Really sound enthusiastic here)

 

Show them another picture. 

 

 

They'll Ask: Did you make this one?

You'll Answer: No. I improved it. 

 

They'll Ask: Why is his erection so big?

You'll answer: Science. 

 

They'll ask: Why does Mom say you're obsessed with penises?

You'll answer: I'm not the only one. 

 

Then you'll laugh and laugh at the notion that your ongoing obsession with dinosaur genitalia has led to the dissolution of your marriage. 

 

Continue laughing. 

 

They'll ask: Why are you crying?

You'll answer: It's called being an adult. 

 

Storm off. 

 

They'll ask: What should I do with all these dinosaur pictures I found in your notebook and why does one have Mom's face on it?

You'll answer: Tell your mom that if she needs me I'll be at the Andersons for the weekend. 

 

As you pack your belongings, pat yourself on the back for being such a good parent.