I’m George Herbert Walker Bush, and I was the 41st President of the United States of America. As you may have heard, an upcoming biography of my life contains some quotes from me in which I call Dick Cheney an “iron ass” and Donald Rumsfeld “arrogant,” and by-and-large, I blame those two hateful monsters for my idiot son’s disastrous presidency.

Pretty shocking, right? Me selling my own stupid son and some of my nearest and dearest political cronies right down the river like that? Well, fuck those dumb-shits and fuck you, too. I’m 91 goddamn years old, and I’m gonna say whatever the fuck I want from here on out.

Here’s another couple of hot ones for you: Pie is disgusting — it’s almost like a dessert soup or something; Kevin Smith should never be allowed to make a movie ever again. His characters sound like people reading out of a dictionary about Star Wars; I think Barack Obama is a sexy, sexy man. To deny his oozing sexuality is to deny your own humanity.

If you didn’t care for any of that, well then, you better buckle the fuck up:

Taylor Swift presents a broad-stroke, faux-feminist message that acts as no more than a tool of the existing patriarchy and does nothing to truly challenge it. She is utterly without conviction, and her inauthentic persona tricks young women into thinking they’re empowered when in reality, they’re signing on to be an appendage of the system of oppression they’re helping to keep in power — the snake eating its own tail, motherfuckers. Swift shills a toothless, meaningless form of “girl power,” all on the back of her privileged, white, supermodel good looks. It’s a complete sham, and routinely discounts the experiences of women of color, particularly when she supplants these experiences with her own.

Also, popcorn is bullshit. It’s a stupid waste of time and you can’t get it out of your teeth for three goddamn days.

Man, that felt great to finally say. Fuck popcorn. It’s not even food.

Let’s see … what else can old-ass George H.W. Bush go in on now that he’s officially off the chain? Well, for one thing, Grandfathered on Fox is an overrated television show. Being slightly better than mediocre doesn’t mean something is actually good. It’s so inoffensive as to not cause an emotional response of any kind, and that might be the most offensive thing of all. And boxer shorts are the worst — the worst. They either bunch up like crazy and choke out your nuts like an MMA fighter or they’re all loose and billowy and it feels like you’re wearing a skirt underneath your slacks. I hate them.

I guess that’s it for now, but lemme say one more thing — I may be old as dinosaur shit, but I still eat out Barbara every chance I get — real sloppy-like, too. Num-num-num-num-num-slurp-slurp-slurp — just like that. And we both love every second of it. How d'ya like that?

I honestly don’t give a shit how you like that. Peace.