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Stats & Data

June 17, 2008


If someone asks you how you are, and you answer, “Livin the dream”, with zero sense of irony…then you’re a tool.

Why is it that those nerdy college professors and Historians who talk on History channel specials and things like that, always act like they knew the people personally and were there during various events in history? They give all too detailed descriptions and strangely specific accounts of things that happened like hundreds of years ago. You got Bernard Theodore Jeevinsons, History Professor from UPenn and he’s all, “The thing was, when Abraham Lincoln first saw his wife that day, he laughed at her, but more of a low pitched chuckle. This was because she was wearing an excessive amount of rouge on her cheeks! And I’ll tell you this, she was not happy at his reaction, she scoffed and then poured herself an ice cold glass of orangeade and retreated into her study.” Seriously, how the fuck do you know that? Were you hiding in a cupboard with a bifocal and a pipe? They all have these weird high horse attitudes, as if they were there having cocoa and crumpets with all of these historical figures. I bet all of their sexual fantasies are about people that have been dead for hundreds of years like, “I have this fantasy of me and Harriet Tubman, she’s wearing a long ripped up skirt and a rag on her head, she's filthy, but she has this sparkle in her eye when she looks at me, and then I proceed to show her my underground railroad…if you know what I’m saying…get it? I’m talking about my penis.”

I’d be embarrassed if I died from a bow and arrow...cause it’s kind of like being stabbed, but from a really far distance...awwwkward.

Is R Kelly not one of the most amazing human beings EVER? I mean what man can bounce back from peeing on an underage girl ON film and continue to come out with mediocre music while still holding a firm grasp on his street cred? Can someone give this guy an award for awesomeness? He seems like he’s doing just fine, and I gotta high five him on that. I think what really impresses me most about his music, is that it’s basically just him talking about creepy shit with a beat underneath. Example A of course is the 476 chapters of “Trapped in the Closet.” This story-song involves prison escapes, affairs, midgets, gun fights, fat women, resurrections, and so much more. And the fact that ALL the characters are lip-synching to R.Kelly’s voice, just knock me over with a feather why don’t you! Obviously I could write pages on the fabulosity of this series of song/speeches, but I wanna focus on the latter. So I thought, now how is this astonishing man going to top himself? And then he comes out with Real Talk ; I’m really hoping everyone is familiar with this song. Otherwise, click the link, you'll be so glad you did. It’s just him on his cell phone being verbally abusive and sexist, fighting with his girlfriend for a few minutes about how one of her friends saw him with someone else at a strip club. Literally, that’s it…and there’s a beat underneath, and then every few minutes he says “This is gonna be real talk.” What?! How did a record label release this? It’s level of amazement makes even David Copperfield tip his hat and curtsy like a young Japanese school girl. How’s he gonna top this one? His next song will probably just be him at the bank depositing checks, putting gas in his Escalade, and picking up his dry cleaning, and then randomly he’ll be like “I’m keepin it fuck-in reeeeaaaal.” And it’ll just be him doing errands all day. And you know what..fuck it, I’ll buy it.