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August 26, 2015

A Mexican guy thinks America is too dangerous for his vacation destination.

Hi, my name is Carlos Aguirre. I live in beautiful Guadalajara,Mexico (yes, Bachelor in Paradise was here this week) and with summer coming to an end, I’ve been thinking about taking a vacation to the United States of America, but from everything I’m hearing, it’s just too dangerous.

I’m just not sure there’s anywhere in the grand ole US of A that I could responsibly take my family without fear that they would be killed in a mass shooting.

I wanted to take my family to see the Grand Canyon, or maybe go to New York for a Broadway show, or even to Portland for a cold brew (I love Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein), but honestly it’s just too risky to walk around in America.

Do we have sky-high murder rates in Mexico? Sure, you bet. But mass shootings are actually very rare here. Cartel violence is terrible and thousands have been murdered, but at least I know what I’ve signed on for. Fun fact: Our money actually has statistics about how many people have died from cartel violence. We just want to be up front about the risk.

It’s crazy to think that the USA is far and away the world leader in mass shootings, but it’s 100% true. This isn’t happening at this rate anywhere else in the world. JUST AMERICA.

From what I see on the news, in America you can’t go to school, the movies, or even give a report on live television without being in danger of being killed in their almost daily mass shootings.

You can’t even go on live TV without getting shot in America?!?! Damn. You Americans are crazy. I just couldn’t live like that, let alone take my family on vacation to such a scary and dangerous nation.

It’s too bad. There’s a lot of great stuff in America. I remember a time when my family even thought there would be better opportunities for us north of the border. I mean, that was a long time ago, but America used to represent opportunity and prosperity to the rest of the world.

Anyways, I might still take my family on vacation to America, I love cheese burgers, and there’s really no better place for them. We’ll just be careful. I’m already teaching my kids how to drop to the ground when they hear a loud noise. We call it our “America Drill.”

Hey, best case scenario, maybe we bump into Donald Trump and he sends us home early.