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March 23, 2015

Hi I'm the Pope. Pope Francis. I just did a miracle where I turned solid blood into liquid blood. It was great.


Giving that relic the ol’ Smooch De La Miracle.

What’s up other popes?! I got some Good News for y’all that ain’t just the Word of God — I did my first miracle!!

You know the Blood of St. Gennaro? It’s this vial of a saint’s blood they keep in a holy-silver-tennis-racket-thing. I kissed the vial and the hard blood turned to liquid, which I’m told is a miracle! I could imagine Cindy Crawford’s lips doing something like that, sure, but this old papa? That’s the real miracle!

Actually, I take it back — the really real miracle is that I’m not freaking out more. HOLY SAINTS I MADE A MIRACLE, BABY!!

(Sure, the blood in the vial liquifies multiple times a year, but this is the first time it did it with a pope since ol’ Pius IX back in 1848 — I’ll take it!)

It’s hard to describe how cool it is to do a miracle, especially this one. Sometimes I hold an ice cube in my hand and watch it melt, but this was way better.

When I was miracling the blood up, I’m pretty sure I felt different than usual. I was a little hungry, kinda sleepy, but I was focused on being holy, you know? I was pope-ing at all cylinders, so while I was surprised I made a miracle, I wasn’t bowled over, ya know? After all, the miracle wasn’t that I could whip up a miracle, although maybe it should have been ;).

What’s crazy is now I’m just two miracles away from sainthood. It’s every Catholic boy’s dream to be a part of the saint’s canon, even after learning canons aren’t cannons. And now, I’m so close!

I know what you’re thinking — what’re my other two miracles gonna be? Well, in case it’s all I can do, here are some other liquid-based miracles I want to do:

MIRACLE IDEA 1: Kiss a car and have it turn into a strawberry milkshake.

MIRACLE IDEA 2: Kiss a trumpet and have it become whatever the liquid version of a trumpet is.

MIRACLE IDEA 3: Kiss a demon and watch it melt into a big puddle of V8. That shiz is the shiz.

AND if I can do miracles beyond solid-to-liquid? Whoa, boy, the sky’s the moon, baby! Check ’em out:

MIRACLE IDEA 4: Fly alongside an eagle for like 20 minutes.

MIRACLE IDEA 5: Start playing Super Mario World and all of a sudden Mario’s in a pope outfit and Yoshi is dressed as a priest, and instead of Mario tossing out little fireballs he tosses out little bouncing communion wafers.

MIRACLE IDEA 6: Win the hot dog eating contest.

MIRACLE IDEA 7: Bring back Abraham Lincoln for five minutes so I can hear what his voice sounds like (always been curious).

MIRACLE IDEA 8: Spend the night on a cloud.

MIRACLE IDEA 9: Give all the little blind babies of the world hawk vision 4 life.

MIRACLE IDEA 10: I make a cactus pop on a chair right before a bad guy sits down.

It would be so awesome if I nailed a couple of those. The only other thing I wish I could do is receive a pizza whenever I’m hungry. Wait a second!

I guess this pope’s a regular “Miracle Man.” Haha, JK (Jesus’ Kids). Take it easy other popes!