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December 27, 2015

This holiday season, make your brussel sprouts feel sexy again.


Brussel sprouts featured here are not me, but are my twice-removed cousins.

Honestly,don’t cook me this year. I saw the new recipe you are using for those yams-something about a golden brown sugar crust? I hope you’re joking. I hope this is a goddamn joke. I hope you’re pursuing comedy and this is your first joke. I had a hard enough time last year when you put me next to the stuffing. People go apeshit for stuffing. Aunt Ellen LITERALLY went right past me in the line, loaded up on stuffing and then CAME BACK to me saying, “I know,I know, I should eat some vegetables.” I was a pity eat for Aunt Ellen. Aunt Ellen is the fattest person I’ve ever seen. Fatso Aunt Ellen almost forgot about me.

I have been made for upwards of 12 Thanksgivings, 11 Christmas and 3 Chanukah dinners. I was silent for all of those. I’ve kept my mouth shut about the fact that your family claims to be Jewish, but celebrates Christmas because you’ve been blinded by our consumerist culture. But, enough is enough. Do you know what it’s like to be surrounded by dishes bubbling with butter, glistening with salt and glowing with the knowledge that it’s about to put you in a food coma? I have never put someone in a food coma. Once, someone ate me before a marathon. Someone ate me, and then hated me so much; they ran 26 miles to get rid of my existence in their body. I’m BRUSSELS SPROUTS. You could walk up a flight of stairs and I would be gone for the most part.

I know this is a lot to take in. I really should have said something last Easter, when you looked at me in the vegetable bin,picked me up, shook your head, and put me back down. I should not have bottled in that hurt. I know I am emotionally vomiting on you now, and that is not exactlywhat you want from your brussel sprouts. I’m not here just to complain to you. I have a solution. This may sound crazy, but just hear me out. You need to season me this year with something other than salt or pepper or that hint of lemon. Season me with something. Cayenne pepper, garlic, rosemary, and red pepper flakes. Season me with something,season me with anything. Make these brussel sprouts feel sexy again.

Thank youand happy holidays.