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June 30, 2015

I'm Darby, and it's a happy day! Why, because there's going to be no more original movies!


I’m Darby, and I’m here to tell you that I love movies. As a spokesman for paramount pictures, I can guarantee you that we put all of our energy into bringing you quality movies that make you think, wonder, and feel inspired. We all have that one movie that blew us away, maybe even changed our lives. Film has become an integral part of our culture, and as long as we exist, we will continue to bring you great movies. We just don’t want anything …creative. I speak on behalf of the Hollywood film industry when I announce to you all that we have collectively banned the creation of original feature films.

Who needs original movies anymore! What is this, the 80’s?! I don’t think so. It’s not that we don’t like originality, it’s that we don’t see the need to support the creation of anything new. If there’s a fuck ton of movies that have already been made, then who needs a new one when we can just bring back turn a super hero comic into a movie, make a bio-pic, or better yet, bring back “Entourage”.These movies, books, and people already have a following of people interested in them. Not only are we guaranteed to turn a profit by making the exact same movie, but also, YOU’RE guaranteed to like them because it’s the same movie! It’s a win win!

But why put a ban on original movies? Well it’s simple:we’re on a roll here, and we don’t want it to stop. If someone happened to write a completely original movie, and that movie went on to become successful (god forbid), then the public would start to demand more original movies. Innovation cost money, and it’s so much worrrrrrrrrrk! We’d much rather keep churning out the same slop people already like, and make millions in the process! Ugh, just thinking about an original and creative piece of cinema with a fantastic story and characters gives me the runs. Seriously, It feels like there’s a party in my colon and the whole neighborhood showed up. None of us could bear letting something as awful as an original feature to see the light of day, so we just HAD to ban all of them.

You’re probably wondering what movies we’re planning on making next. Well, we’ve got good news! Coming next year, we’re making a remake of the entire X-MEN series. We’re pretty much going to take the first X-men movie that came out, and film the exact same scenes with new actors and 70% more CGI. It’s going to be exactly as good as the first X-men movie, because it’s the EXACT. SAME. MOVIE! We’ll then go on to remake every single X-men movie that came after that. Can you say, “Darby, shut the fuck up and take my money”? Because I can!

Have you ever wanted to see a bio-pic on Abraham Lincoln? Well you’re in for a treat, because we’re making one! Ahem, ANOTHER one! That’s right, we’re not just making any Abraham Lincoln bio-pic, we’re making a remake of “Lincoln” the recent 2012 Abraham Lincoln bio-pic that already exist! Again,we’re doing nothing but recording the same scenes in the same way. However,we’re not re-releasing it, we’re re-MAKING it! Starting to get it now? Because Darby sure is!

Some of you might ask “Hey Darby, isn’t it bad to put a ban on any movies that might have even an inkling of originality to them?” Well, to that I say “isn’t it bad to die before your time?” Because that’s going to those who violate our ban AND to people who ask too many questions. Hiring a hit man on the black market to murder innovative filmmakers might sound drastic on paper, but drastic times call for drastic measures! I’m Darby, Stay safe guys.

I’m writing this to tell you that I love movies. The Hollywood film industry is dedicated to bringing you films that inspire you, make you think, and maybe (just maybe) live your life in a more positive way. But the thing is, these movies already exist, so there’s no need to create anything anymore! So don’t go making an original film…because we will send someone to kill you…I’m Darby.