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July 13, 2016

Super Heroes Deserve Free Sex From The People They Save


Enough of the bullshit. Super heroes like me have been saving people for years, and what do we get in return? A hug, maybe a handshake. If we’re lucky, some stooge mayor might hand out a key to the city.

Well, you can take that key and shove it right up my ass - it’s high time we get blown, rammed, sucked and fucked by the victims we save. We deserve it, and there’s gotta be a law requiring it. We’re risking our lives, ripping guns out of hands, tossing folks outta burning buildings - isn’t that worth a measly handjob with some heavy spit?

Too many times am I led to believe that I’m gonna get some slurp ’n jerks after saving somebody. I fly some lonely tit outta harm’s way, and instead of cashing in on the squeeze n’ please this helpless fuck promised me two minutes ago, all I’m getting is a “fuck off, perv!” That kind of blue ballin’ shit should be illegal, end of story.

That’s why this shit has got to be a law - you get saved, you either get your rescuer off or get thrown in jail. Gender’s irrelevant for all involved; in a dark alley, when the adrenaline’s high, mouths are mouths, hands are hands, holes are holes, beaks are beaks. All I know is if you don’t want me poking at hookers or skipping rescues cuz I had to jerk off, you’ll support this movement.

Besides, this isn’t just for my fuckin’ benefit - a ton of heroes could use a well-earned knobjob here or there. Batman needs his cave spelunked more, that’s clear as piss on a lite beer day. I doubt Superprude has ever seen two tits and a puss in the same room. You know Spiderman’s down to get nasty, what with all that sticky spunk rope he’s always shooting out his hands, but Wonder Woman gets so little strange that she recently told me over a pint of gin she doesn’t think she’s got a G-Spot, and we all got G-Spots, pal.

Think about how this is gonna mentally fuck with the bad guys. You see a bunch of heroes gettin their assholes eaten out in the bank vault you just tried to rob, you’re gonna start thinking about switchin sides.

Maybe we break this shit down into tiers. We get your cat from a tree, you get your boob out from your shirt. Super hero intervenes in a domestic dispute - hero gets to jerk off to the make-up sex. Returns a stolen car - handjob. Stops an armed mugging - blowjob. Saves your life - if you don’t want to have sex, you gotta find someone who will.

We never see this shit mentioned because the goddam media doesn’t want you to see the real fucking issues. For chrissakes, gays can marry now (which is fine cuz my daughter’s a lesbo and she deserves to feel the thrill of divorce), but super heroes can’t even get a yank ‘n blow for a job well done? A+ bullshit.

Alright, I’m all horny now, so I gotta go jerk off, eat some trash and wash my dick. Hopefully I’ll remember to do it in that order, too.

Via Medium.com