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July 06, 2015

Heaven is seeing Elvis sing for just you and your Dad.

Open on a man dressed like The (Yellow??) King singing a Bette Midler song in a dive bar. This is Ray’s heaven, and it’s nearly identical to my own! Just kidding, I play Mario Kart 64 in a bean bag chair all day with Walt Disney and Stanley Kubrick (well-known afterlife BFFs) in my heaven, where puppies lick you awake each morning and the only True Detective that exists stars Woody Harrelson, thankyouverymuch. Ray’s father appears before him and explains that Ray was being chased by some folks in between some tall trees before getting gunned down and showing up here, in limbo, where Modelos are three bucks a can, which is decent. Dad says that Ray’s got his father’s hands which makes no fucking sense, and not in the fun way. Pan out to reveal that Ray’s chest is busted open which is cool. Smash cut to Ray waking up from being dead, which is un. If you’re obsessed with prolonging the buoyancy of our favorite sinking show, there is a small glimmer of hope in reading the lyrics to “The Rose”in conjunction to Ray as a character. It’s not Walter White humming “El Paso,” but it’s something. Honorable Mention: Ray’s body did a peepee when it thought it was dead. LOL.

Ani meets Ray outside Casper(e?)‘s Hollywood nightmare-house and she’s like wtf and he’s like yeah, exactly. He tells her that he got shot with rubber bullets and broke some ribs. He calls her Xena. Next we visit Frank getting his knob slobbed in an IVF facility and I’d like to extend a quick congratulations to whichever 14-year-old boy on the writing staff just found out that sometimes, if you’re nice and sexy, girls will put your wiener in their mouths. We are only three episodes in and blowjobs have been sprinkled over every episode like baking soda on your mattress when you’re trying to get the sex funk out. Frank says that his wang’s gonna “sleep through the alarm” for now, even if the giver of said useless beej is wearing a halter top. LOL this lady picked out a specific outfit for this event! Frank says that he’s got a gun to his head every time he “takes a shit.” Remember that amazing seven-minute-long tracking shot through Ginger’s crazy drug-camp last season? Too bad the group that produced that scene all died right after in some sort of deadly talent fire. We could really use them in 2015. Jordan tells Frank that he can suck his own dick, and he laughs at the idea because much like a horse, if Vince Vaughn bends too far at the waist and falls over, the weight of his own body will crush his internal organs.

Ani and Paul take a trip to Austin’s greasy golden mansion. His wife answers the door and she is like, 14 years old. Veronika vapes from a party balloon and it gives her a Russian accent. Paul says lots of calls were made to Caspere from the landline of the home. She says she doesn’t even know what a landline is as she cuts out the perfume samples from a Cosmo to stick in her sock drawer. Ani goes snooping before hearing a splash as a naked woman falls clear out of heaven! We meet Austin’s quiet daughter and weird non-Cuban prince of a son, whose eyes are windows into the devil’s heart. He says the name “Bodine” a bunch, followed by the completely unprompted sentence: “I have a lot of friends.” RIP, those writers lost in that talent fire. Later, Austin will call Ani the c-word for visiting his home and “harassing his family.” Ray will try to pawn off the entire case onto Ani, seeing as she’s pissing off more people than Ray is and therefore doing most of the work. “No,” they will say in response for a reason that goes unexplained entirely.

Next comes a meeting between Frank and Ray where the following words are used:
stri·den·cy \ˈstrī-dən(t)-sē\
the act of expressing opinions or criticism in an unpleasant way,
ap·o·plec·tic \ˌa-pə-ˈplek-tik\
greatly excited or angered

This meeting serves no purpose other than to overuse these two terms, which you have just learned. “But Krista, I read your recaps out of loyalty and respect for great television. Are you seriously going to waste my time by filling the page with underwhelming filler material with no real creative craftsmanship?” Why, yes. Because two can play that game, HBO.

Ray visits a doctor who issues him a less than perfect bill of health. Ray is nonplussed by this information, basically implying that he’s doing his best to see himself to an early grave or at least to watching an Elvis impersonator sing Bette Midler uninterrupted. Ray’s doctor says he can still maintain good health despite a having a few vices. “But not every one under the sun!!” the doctor screams in Ray’s face. “Nice one, Pete!” calls a nurse from the lobby.

Ani finds blue diamonds in a lockbox at the bank, and tells Steve the Douchebag (who calls her a “suck 'em and leave 'em type” because minutes had passed without a hummer reference) that if he doesn’t cease and desist, he’ll be carrying his own teeth home in a little baggie not unlike the guy from Dodgeball after he pulls a grill out of the mouth of an old co-conspirator in the basement of a seedy club in that show. Ray brings his dad some weed and learns that Dad keeps his police badge in the garbage can for safe keeping. “How’s your boy?” asks Dad. “Good. Still playing baseball and eyeballing that Wendy Peffercorn down by the pool,” Ray says, regarding his son, Sandlot Boy. Ray looks around at the room his dad lives in. There is a lamp with a driftwood base and a lampshade that has the image of a cow skull on it. “Gotta go,” says Ray.

Back at the casino, yet another dude pulls out of a land deal with Frank. The men whisper to one another while facing opposite directions as some sort of annoying test for those of us still watching. Frank leaves to go haggle for some of his abandoned income from the olden days. A man named Stan is found dead in a vat of his own blood. The stakes are raising violently for Frank, whose options are more and more limited the longer Caspere’s murder mystery goes unsolved. So why is this shit so unwatchable? Is it the slow, slow speed of events? The vague cinematography? The deal everyone signed to never clear their throats or speak above a whisper?

In perhaps the most endearing moment so far, Paul reunited with a fellow soldier who alluded to some sort of relationship between the two of them overseas. This is the sort of unexpected character stuff that we’ve (maybe unfairly) come to expect from this show. Paul’s lashing out and this dude’s genuinely sad backpeddling (“I’m sorry! I am drunk!”) are oddly affecting. Apparently I can still be persuaded, because as soon as this soldier admitted to liking Paul, I started to as well. Sorry, Paul! He likes you and now I do too!

Ani and Ray visit the set of Mad Max: Fury Road to ask some Qs and get some As. They meet a camera perv who takes photos of ladies’ boobies from across the lot. Camera perv says Caspere partied with the film’s director a few times, and that a studio driver quit out of the blue a few days ago. Ani and Ray go to follow up on the driver when the car they’ve been hunting goes up in flames nearby, and a chase breaks out between them and some masked arsonist. The runner gets away and Ani almost gets hit by a truck. I make a mental note that I should probably get better at running. I look down. I am eating a Ring Ding.

Paul gets tipped off by some cool young tough who says that there’s a club nearby that Tascha dances at/Caspere has been to. Paul goes there to poke around and bumps into Frank, who stares Paul down in a way that I imagine is similar to the one Vince Vaughn gives people when they ask about “stage-5 clingers” when he’s trying to eat dinner at a restaurant. Frank continues down into the basement to pull his pal’s teeth out (see above) to demonstrate that despite being older and wiser and seemingly out of the loop; he is, as the kids say, “back, BITCHES”. He returns home to Jordan who is in a robe and reading the fourth Harry Potter. “I stayed up for you—” she says, eyeing his dick. “—because one of us should”. Her eyes stay on the crotch of his pants. His grip tightens on a handful of broken, golden teeth. It gives him a boner bigger than the Freedom Tower. The End.

Misc.: So Ray’s alive and I’m …disappointed? I like the character but I admired the offing of the first-billed character. Despite a lack of things to be excited about, there are the still the mysterious blue diamonds, Austin’s crazy son, and the fact that both Frank (in last episode’s opening monologue about rats in the basement) and Ray (this episode’s opening dialogue about being gunned down in the woods) have a shared theory of perhaps being dead or having died somewhere. Interesting, but is it interesting enough? It’s hard to say, especially when this exists.

Krista writes weekly recaps. Follow her on Twitter @potatoemporium.