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March 02, 2015
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RIP Rick's beard. The seven most ridiculous things form last night's episode of The Walking Dead: S05E12 Remember

1) Zombie Apocalypse Casting Couch

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“I’m a little nervous; this is my first time doing this sort of thing.”

“We’re all about transparency here, so just sit down over there and let me film you for ambiguous reasons.” Where will anyone ever watch these boring videos? The transparency channel on the flat screen TV’s every house has? All transparency, all the time! No thanks. Sometimes no TV is better than bad TV. Hey, speaking of bad, remember when Breaking Bad did the camcorder thing in season five?

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Season five of Breaking Bad was really good. They should do stuff from season five of Breaking Bad more often.

2) Rick Grimes Abdul-Jabbar

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Is Rick really tall? Is the nice Lady Governor really short? Did they get the digital fx team from Lord of the Rings to frame up this shot? So many questions! I guess actually just those three questions. Seriously, someone please answer those three questions. I haven’t slept since this episode aired. I’m a wreck.

3) RIP Rick’s Grime

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Spa day! Treat yourself, Rick. You’re worth it. Of all the characters we’ve seen die, Rick’s beard was the toughest to part with. Guess it was time, the thing was really reaching critical mass. Two more weeks out there, Rick’s beard would’ve probably sensed weakness in the group and murdered everyone just to survive.

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“I’m sorry, you’ll have to come back when an adult is home.”

Attractive women show up to your beautifully decorated new home and give you free haircuts? Where does the line for the zombie apocalypse start? I want in! This is now officially better than my life.

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“Give me the Rachel.”

Also, that dude on the porch did NOT seem happy about his wife giving Rick a haircut. “Welcome to Alexandria … we’re going to fight to the death,” is pretty much what he said. Relax, porch man! It’s just a haircut. But Rick is going to sleep with your wife and you are going to fight to the death. And you’re going to lose. I didn’t see your name in the opening credits. Sorry. Wish there was any other way, but that’s clearly how it has to be.

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He’s probably a nice guy when you get to know him. JK, definitely a creep.

4) Daryl’s PFF

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It was cute when Daryl shot the possum and Glenn was all, “We brought dinner.” Hah, so cute. What a fun group. Come on in and hang! But bringing the possum to the interview?

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“Can you tilt your camera down a little? You’re missing my new friend.”

Uh, you’re starting to weird us out, Daryl. SPILLING POSSUM GUTS ALL OVER OUR NEW PORCH?!?

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Jesus, Daryl. You really must be going through some shit. Can’t you do that literally anywhere else than where you’re currently doing it? And in case you didn’t get the message that Daryl is mayor of Bummerville, he’s hanging out at the Grimes slumber party just casually holding a knife.

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“I miss my possum friend.”

Cut yourself a break and learn to be happy again, bud. It gets better. I promise.

5) Carol Brady

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You’re not fooling anyone, Carol. The only thing that blue sweater does is bring out your eyes. The eyes of a killer. She was just smearing walker blood on her face and singlehandedly taking down a cannibal fortress three minutes ago! I like how she’s pretending she’s old Carol to gain a mental edge on these weak townies. That is such a new Carol thing to do! I don’t think anyone is buying your innocent lady routine when you show up with the biggest gun in the group.

6) Carl Is Trying To Finger That Girl

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I remember what it was like to be a young man. All you want to do is play video games, wear your dad’s giant hat, and finger a moody girl in the woods. Video games? Check! Hat? OH, YOU KNOW IT. Guess the only thing left on Carl’s to-do list is creepily stalk this girl. Carl, dude. No. You’re going to blow it. You’re blowing it, Carl! You need to play it cool. Also, this poor girl has been through enough. She definitely doesn’t need to get fingered in the woods right now. Did you even cut your fingernails, Carl? Be a gentleman. Maybe just ask her what she thinks about The Smiths. I fucking guarantee she likes The Smiths. The rest will sort itself out.

7) This Bozo

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What a dumb dumb this guy is. He chained up a zombie because it ate his friend? Aww, so sad. Cry about it. Look, guy. Zombies eat our friends all the time! Number one pastime these days is watching your friends get eaten by zombies. Or walkers. Or gremlins or jojos or whatever each new group decides to call them. It’s fun how each new group has a fun new name for the undead. Still waiting for a group to be like, “We invented a new word for these guys and it’s ZOMBIES and it’s perfect and we really think it’s going to catch on!” But yeah, very little in my life was more satisfying than seeing Glenn punch this bozo right in the face.

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“This is your brain on fist.”

Bozos need to get punched! I’m not a violent person, but that’s just basic science. It was such a good punch. The more they can resolve dramatic conflicts with face punches on this show, the better. I’m sure getting socked in the jaw totally mellowed this dude out and him and Glenn can just kick it and play video games together next week.

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