It’s not even noon (at least as of the time I’m typing this. Who knows when it’ll go up) but it’s not even noon and I’m already pretty drunk. I’m an adult, you guys. It’s Tuesday. I hate St. Patrick’s Day. Everyone who celebrates this day is a fucking idiot. Sorry, for the language. We started at 9 a.m. and I’ve had a few. Plus I ASSUME if you’re reading this you don’t like the holiday either cause you’re at your computer right now instead of barfing Bud Light on some chick’s tits or whatever.
I’m also a little annoyed cause right now if you click on my name, this is going to pop up as my most recent article. I haven’t even uploaded this but I can already tell that it’s not representative of my best work. Also I’m coming across as pretty complainy.
I like getting drunk!! I’m not like a boring dude or whatever. I just prefer it when I’m out on the weekend and have a few beers and am like, “Oh whoops I’m actually kinda drunk!” rather than coming in to work at 9 a.m. and immediately doing shots and Irishing up my coffee.
I feel like I should say now that I’m Irish myself. I like being Irish! Both my parents are Irish. One time when I was 14 I had a few drinks and got a shamrock tattooed on my butt. Here’s a picture of it.
14 was probably the last age I would have thought getting drunk on St. Patricks Day was a cool thing to do. Now I shudder at the thought. I’m trying to decide if it’s worse than SantaCon. I guess it’s not. SantaCon’s worse.
Um, I just realized this article has zero jokes. So, since I’m a little drunk, I’ll tell you about the most embarrassing moment of my entire life.
A few years ago, myself and two friends went to Belize. There was a really good last-minute travel deal so it was one of those things where we booked flights on a Tuesday and left that Saturday. But since it was so last minute we couldn’t sit together. I had to sit in the middle seat next to two pretty large dudes. I never fall asleep on planes but, for whatever reason, I managed to doze off. I then proceeded to have the first wet dream I had had since I was maybe 15 years old. I never sleep on planes and I never have wet dreams. But somehow both managed to happen on this flight. I started orgasming so hard that it woke me up. I shot up in my seat and gave an audible “UGHHHHH” as I started cumming into my khaki-colored shorts. The dudes on each side of me knew with 100% certainty what was happening and saw me blow my load. Because of the color of my shorts it also left a massive, clear-as-day cum stain. It was the most excruciating moment of my entire life. I wanted to die. Also since our plane was already landing, I wasn’t allowed out of my seat to clean up. I just had to sit there. Also, since this was an international flight, I had to wait in line and go through customs before ever making it to a bathroom. The one nice thing that happened during this whole ordeal, was the moment of clarity like, “Mike, this is without question the most embarrassing thing that will ever happen to you,” which is nice because everything else that has happened since doesn’t seem so bad. I could shit my pants today and be like, “This clearly sucks but it’s not the WORST thing that could happen.” So that’s pretty liberating.
While I was typing this, Matt Klinman just said something so horribly offensive and it made me laugh really hard so, since starting this article, my point of view has changed and I’m kinda having fun now. I get real bad hangovers though so I’ll be cranky again tomorrow.
Even if I’m told I can’t delete this tomorrow, I’m still going to. I’m also not going to give this a second pass so sorry about the typos.
garfield thumbnail via
“mike didn’t add this, he forgot to fucking src the image
how did he know about that site? weird.” - Jenny