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We the dick pics (image via Wikimedia)

Following John Oliver’s extraordinary interview of NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden that revealed that our dick pics are not safe from government surveillance, it is clear that we have no choice but to update the Constitution to protect our dick pic rights. See below for our proposed revisions to the Bill Of Rights.


Preamble

THE Conventions of a number of the States, having at the time of their adopting the Constitution, expressed a desire, in order to prevent misconstruction or abuse of its powers especially in regard to our dick pics (herein defined as pictures of our dicks or any nude photos willingly taken and shared by consenting adults), that further declaratory and restrictive clauses should be added: And as extending the ground of public confidence in the Government, will best ensure the beneficent ends of its institution.

First Amendment

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press, or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. Speech shall be defined broadly; the sending of a picture of a dick shall be considered an expression of speech protected herein.

Second Amendment

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed. We might one day need such a Militia to storm the warehouses storing the servers where the government is keeping backup copies of all of the dick pics they stole from our private email and text message exchanges.

Third Amendment

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner; nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law. But if you wanted to show a dick pic to a soldier that you chose to be quartered in your house, during peace time or a time of war, because, for whatever reason,and that soldier consents to seeing the pic of your dick, that should be lawful.

Fourth Amendment

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, dick pics, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things or dick pics to be seized.

Fifth Amendment

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself; nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use without just compensation. Also, the government shouldn’t take the private dick pics of citizens. Did we really need to put this in writing to make it clear that would be unconstitutional? Evidently so.

Sixth Amendment

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed; which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor; and to have the assistance of counsel for his defence. Furthermore, if a person sent a dick pic to someone who did not want to see that dick pic, that’s not cool and that person should be held accountable for that heinous act and a jury of his peers should find him a perv and punish him accordingly.

Seventh Amendment

In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury shall be otherwise reexamined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of common law. We sort of forget why we wrote this one, but just as a reminder: government officials, keep your hands off the dick pics of citizens.

Eight Amendment

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted. An example of a cruel and unusual punishment would be the knowledge that some NSA agent in an office in Maryland can look up your private dick pics that were on your cell phone and masturbateto them because the NSA isn’t properly regulated and they can pretty much get away with whatever they want.

Ninth Amendment

The enumeration in the Constitution of certain rights shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people. Dick pic sending and receiving should be consensual. Just because you have the right to privately send dicks to people doesn’t mean you can do so indiscriminately. Your right to send a dick pic ends where my nose begins.

Tenth Amendment

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people. States shouldn’t be peepin’ on dick pics either though.

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