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October 24, 2017

Sure would explain why the live action film didn't have any sex scenes!


Thanks to this guy’s famous hatred for animal genitalia, the words “spay” and “neuter” are well known in American households. Looks like, in our panicked prevention of overpopulation, we even castrated our favorite doggy detective! Here’s the proof:

1. He Has Zero Offspring


PETA truly will dress up as anything to prove a point!

A great way to tell if an organism does or does not have its reproductive organs is to count its offspring. One or more babies means guaranteed genitalia. Zero babies, however, probably means defunct junk. So unless doggy condoms have secretly hit the market, we’ve got ourselves a sterile Scooby.

2. He’s A Pretty Focused Dog


Look at these classy gluttons eating an open faced sandwich!

With the exception of some Pavlovian - hopefully not Freudian - salivating going on whenever food is mentioned, Scooby’s got a pretty good attention span. On the Official Spectrum Of Cartoon Dog Protagonists and Their Attentiveness, Mr. Doobert lands closer to Goofy and Mr. Peabody (the weird father/scientist dog that time travels) than he does to Dug from UP or the strangely mute Pluto. The latter of whom, we regret to inform you, were also probably neutered.

3. Zero Footage Of Him Humping Anything

As close as it gets!

If someone followed me and my friends around and documented our exploits for the better part of 52 years, you’d better believe there’d be some humping in there. That’s not bragging, that’s just statistics. And, as of right now, there is not a single frame depicting the mystery solving Great Dane’s hips thrusting in an explicitly sexual manner. There are many hours of Scooby eating food which, again, we believe to be non-sexual.

4. He Doesn’t Wear Pants


“Animals don’t usually wear clothes.” Hey, moron, if you’re going to apply that logic here, then I want you to pull up pictures of Donald Duck and Winnie the Pooh and see how long that watered down “logic” holds up. Clearly, if there’s something to cover up (like Donald’s famously grotesque nipples or Pooh’s braided armpit hair) then it gets covered up, animal or not. No pants? No balls. “What about the… rest of it? Why isn’t… y'know, that covered by cloth?” Obviously, idiot, dogs have a natural fur sheath that makes it blend in with the rest of their body and thus hiding any obscenities that are typically prohibited from displaying in children’s cartoons.

5. Nobody Ever Makes Any Reference To His Genitals

Not once, in the hundreds of hours of footage that I’ve scanned for this piece of journalism, has anyone said anything referencin gour favorite crime dog’s (eat shit, McGruff) reproductive organs. No lines like “watch where you’re putting those testicles, Scooby” or even Scoob saying “Rook at ry resticles, Raggy!” Not even a classic slapstick gag where he runs into a pole or takes a swift crotch kick. Ain’t no proof in this pudding!

Hopefully, the next time you’re in the mood for some retro ruh-rohs, you’ll be able to finally sit back and enjoy the show fully without being plagued by thoughts of “Does that dog have testicles?”