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March 02, 2016

If Katy Perry is JonBenet Ramsey and Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer, what other well-known persons rose from the ashes of a horrific murder case?

Ted Cruz watched as Donald Trump won big on Super Tuesday. Could a developing internet theory that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer hurt his performance? The internet also theorizes that American singer Katy Perry is actually murdered child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey. In light of these all-but-confirmed discoveries, we did some research into other celebrities who might have risen from the ashes of horrific murder cases.

Tom Selleck Is Ted Bundy

We were all too distracted by the sexual chest hair and nearly-identical biceps to notice that serial killer Ted Bundy blossomed into international super-hunk Tom Selleck (best known for his role on the sitcom Friends, and for murdering like 30 people). Think about it, their alleged birthdays are only one year apart! STAY WOKE, AMERICA.


Chris Christie Is George Zimmerman

Bad smug face? Check.
From a terrible state? Check.
Keeps making bad decisions after being severely criticized for his bad decisions? Check.
How did no one notice that George Zimmerman is actually New Jersey Governor Chris Christie?? C’MON SHEEPLE!


Cuba Gooding Jr. Is OJ Simpson!

Just an actor, or an ingenious cover to volunteer to play your secret identity?! OPEN YOUR EYES!


Miyuki Ishikawa Is Betty White

Miyuki Ishikawa murdered over 100 people before she got caught. She also had eyebrows that were incredibly on fleek … not unlike a young Betty White. Where do you think Betty gets all that chill wisdom from? TAKE THE WOOL OFF YOUR EYES!!


Keep paying attention, America. They are trying to fool you. For more information, just google “American conspiracy” and fall into a three-week black hole of information.