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June 07, 2017

Strand's allergic to seeing a naked woman and the most awkward mother-son hug of all time. 15 of the most ridiculous things from part two of this week's 'Fear The Walking Dead' premiere S03E02 "The New Frontier"

Previously on The Most Ridiculous Things From Last Night’s Fear The Walking Dead…

1) Hero Dad Hit The Ejector Seat On This TV Show

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Adios, Hero Dad! It was kind of fun (I guess maybe or whatever) while it lasted. I appreciated the fact that they handled this death realistically. Sometimes when you’re in a helicopter, you’re going to get shot and die. That’s why I tend to avoid helicopters. Don’t cry for Hero Dad, he’s in a better place now: The Avatar sequels.

2) Strand Is The Latest Fake Doctor On This Show

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Oh no! The restless locals at the gate are NOT taking a polite “por favor” for an answer anymore! Kind of weird they were taking that for an answer for the past three weeks. They’re starting to rattle the gate that’s tied shut with silly string! Strand! DO SOMETHING! Strand saves the day and continues the rich tradition on this show (as well as the other zombie show on the same channel at the same time just during different parts of the year) of being a fake doctor. Everything moves faster in the zombie apocalypse! Med school used to take seven years. Now it just takes seven words: “Hey, guys! Guess what? I’m a doctor.”

3) They Gracefully Crash Landed That Helicopter And Everyone Is Fine

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I don’t have a fancy degree in helicopter crashes, but don’t those things usually explode in these situations resulting in everyone dying?

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“I’m asking you to follow me, a stranger you just met, into the middle of nowhere. What would Travis say?”

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Glad they went on that dangerous mission for helicopter fuel! Maybe they can use it to water this helicopter and hope a new one grows on top of it.

4) Car Tunes

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Music is a great way to pass the time on a road trip. Unless this is what you’re listening to, in which case it’s a great way to make the trip feel fifty million times longer. Shittiness of the music aside, isn’t making a bunch of noise the opposite of what you want to do? Seems like it might attract zombies. People on a different zombie show I watch (at the same time on the same channel just during different parts of the year) also used to make this dumb dumb move. Stop being such dumb dumbs, ya dumb dumbs!

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“You can’t turn my music down! You’re not my real mom!”

Wow. Troy did NOT like that one bit. He just gave Madison some major side eye in the rear view mirror. To be fair, depending on what side of Troy you’re standing side eye is just about the only thing he can offer.

5) Nick’s Weird Hug That Resulted In Him Feeling Up His Mom To Discover Her Gun

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Nothing calms a son quicker during stressful and trying times than awkwardly grazing the top of your mom’s ass to find out she’s concealing a stolen firearm. This seems like the kind of thing that would draw unnecessary attention. Madison could’ve just told Nick she had it covered and winked twice. Instead, everyone just witnessed this creepy moment and now the whole shanty town will be abuzz about the weird mother and son who bang. Not a good look for new arrivals.

6) Strand Playing Operation IRL

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Board games are hard to come by in the zombie apocalypse. If you want to play Operation, you need to actually dig into the flesh of a living human. But good news! This model still makes noise when you touch the edges. I like how Strand tells the dude he was brave. Hell yeah, he’s brave. He just let a random bro with less medical training than Dr. Dre poke around inside of his leg. That’s “eating gas station sushi in the middle of a road trip through the desert” brave. He should get a medal for that kind of stuff, maybe Strand can scoop one out of his leg.

7) Strand’s Kryptonite: Vaginas

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It’s all fun and games until Strand has to go anywhere near a woman’s reproductive organs. Strand. Buddy. Guy. I don’t know what you’ve heard around the campfire, but lady parts don’t have teeth and nine times out of ten don’t spit acid in your eye like the dinosaur from Jurassic Park. Is child birth gross? Pretty much the grossest, even if you love vaginas. Will that guy stab your ear with a hunting knife if you don’t deliver his baby? Survey says absolutamente. People who have no idea what they’re doing deliver kids in sitcoms all the time. Will Smith did it in the parking lot of a Lakers game and Zack Morris did it in an elevator! You got this, Strand. Just try to get past the part where you have to look at a vagina and you got this.

8) “Brokejaw Ranch” Does Not Lead Me To Believe This Place Is Safe

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Thank you, Nick, for making it clear that Brokejaw Ranch is not a safe place. The fact that it’s named after getting a part of your skull fractured wasn’t enough of an indicator for the rest of the class. Also, look, it’s the guy from Sons of Anarchy! Sons of Anarchy was a pretty good show, except the third season that kinda lost me for a bit, and if this show wants to incorporate Sons of Anarchy actors more often I am totally cool with it.

9) “We’re Building A New Nation. It’s Not Perfect. It’s Very Imperfect.”

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It’s not perfect? I’d say it’s pretty far from perfect. Sorry Madison and Nick aren’t more grateful for almost getting murdered so creeps could gamble on their resurrection for imaginary money or raped over tea. But that’s all water under the bridge! Enjoy these dirty beds full of scorpions. Glad they traded a fortified military base for this trailer camp in the desert. Smart move.

10) Why Do These People Insist On Investigating Scary Noises?

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Here’s a pro-tip for surviving the zombie apocalypse: The rustling you hear in the dark and scary bushes is not a bunch of hot singles in your area looking to meet up. It’s a scary zombie that will probably kill your ass. Did The Brother Who Still Has Two Eyes (haven’t learned his name yet) survive this encounter? Yes, but only because Alicia managed to NOT fall down in the dark while ALSO using a gun. Two super difficult tasks that apparently eluded her two travel companions.

11) Strand’s Suicide Room Service

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Whether I’m receiving medical attention I didn’t ask for or getting room service I didn’t order, nothing puts my mind at ease faster than someone silently greeting me wielding an upside down vase as a weapon. It’s nice Strand was able to forgive her. I’ll hold a grudge with someone forever over stuff substantially pettier than getting stabbed, so good on Strand for being the bigger person.

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“I know when I’m feeling suicidal and crazy, all I need to turn that ship around is a little fresh air.”

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Damn. Must’ve been a pretty shitty lunch! Welcome to Fear The Walking Dead: Where leaving the show is as easy as not taking the elevator.

12) Nick’s Brilliant Plan: “I Got Murder Dibs”

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Nick uses a masterful plan to call murder dibs on his girlfriend in a sneaky ploy to get a gun and turn it on these rubes! Except it’s not masterful at all. How did nobody see this coming? How are ALL of these people still alive? I’ve seen Labradors on Xanax with more street smarts and mental acuity.

13) Madison’s Moping Tree

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Madison, stop acting childish. Hero Dad is gone forever and you’ll never recover the body. Well boo the fuck hoo, Trader Joe’s was out of the chicken soup I like when I went there for lunch yesterday. We’ve all got problems to deal with! I only moped by a tree for, like, 20 minutes! Madison’s been out there all day. CHILDISH.

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“Will you sign my gun yearbook?”

I’ve got a BAD. FEELING. YOU. GUYS. This new community is not very good! They’re too stupid to survive a standoff with a heroine addict and are willing to let strangers they just met keep their stolen guns as long as they journal about it. It’s either that or they’ll try to fuck you and your daughter at the same time while killing your husband and son for sport. There’s no medium setting. A medium setting would be nice here! MEDIUM SPICY WINGS ARE THE MOST POPULAR WING FLAVOR FOR A REASON!

14) Bond. Strand Bond.

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Hell yes, Strand. Drive it in good health! It’s just like Gandhi used to say: “If you’re kicking me out of this party, I’m stealing the nicest car in the parking lot.”

15) Oh, Shit! Madison Is New Rick!

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CODE GRIMES! I REPEAT! WE HAVE A CODE. RICKY. GRIMES! Madison is DEFINITELY new Rick. Talking about, “This place is ours now. Even if we have to take it. We can’t go back now because stuff and things are different.” I got chills. Mostly because I was like, “Wait. I’ve seen this show before and I don’t totally love it. Why am I writing about the same show twice now? What am I doing with my life?!?” CHILLS. Does that make Nick new Carl? I guess it does. He’s the kid who’s always blowing it because he thinks he knows what he’s doing. WAIT. Does that make Alicia other new Carl!?! And Troy only has one eye. THIS SHOW HAS THREE CARLS WHICH BY MY COUNT IS THREE MORE CARLS THAN ANY OF THESE SHOWS SHOULD HAVE. Tune in next week! Will Madison mope by a tree for thirty minutes? Don’t be ridiculous, anyone who reads the comics knows she’s going to sulk by a cactus. Will Nick cover his face in blood when he almost certainly doesn’t have to? It’s all he knows, don’t take it from him. Is Hero Dad ACTUALLY still alive? Yes! He landed under a dumpster and we’ll see him again before the midseason finale when the gang burns the trailer park to the ground. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S03E03 of Fear The Walking Dead!