SPOILERS ARE COMING! If you don’t wanna know what happened in this episode don’t read on. Here’s a video where I got high and met a sloth so you didn’t come here for nothing.

WARNING: I’m writing this after flying back from my brother’s wedding (congrats Matthew and Patrick!) so my brain feels like mushy banana inside a black spotted skull. This might not be a great recap. I’ll do my best, but I can smell my pores, and they smell like a weekend of free drinks at open bars.

Ok, let’s go!

#1 Laura, WTF Is This Dinner?

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“I’ll save this half for a midnight snack.”

Some of my favorite TV characters are anti-heroes who I love to hate, and hate to love. This dinner nailed those two feelings for me because I love Laura Moon (played exquisitely by Emily Browning) but this dinner is bullshit. ONE HARD BOILED EGG, AND YOU’RE NIBBLING IT! Laura, you’re a monster. Order you and your cat some sushi, and promise you’ll never do this again. In fact, here’s a Postmates code for free delivery: WGHHT.

#2 Hot Box A Hot Box

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Perfect for roaches, flies, & jacuzzis.

When Laura hotboxed her hot tub with bug spray my first thought was, “Honestly, I wanna try this with pot.” I bet it feels amazing to soak my body in a combination of hot water and fire indica. Thanks for the idea Laura, but I wish you didn’t need to test death to feel alive.

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“Now, I’m the hardboiled egg in hot water.”

#3 Shadow Fails To Cheat Death

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“Hi, I’m very bad at being a thief.”

Shadow’s a terrible thief with great abs. The only area he’s lucky in is genetics. You can’t walk up to a blackjack table where the cards are literally named for the God of Death, and expect to pull a fast one. If life is a casino, Death is the house, and no one beats this house.

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Anubis AKA the King of (ripping out people’s) Hearts

The only area Shadow beats the odds in is peaking Laura’s interest.

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“I love bad boys. Maybe he’ll come over for an egg.”

#4 A Casual Stalking

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“Hey, this is cool to do to women, right?”

HELLLLLL NO! If a dude came out of the shadows towards me in a deserted parking lot I’d think to myself, “Welp, now I’m really Git Gone.”

Not Laura though, she’s intrigued. Maybe she’s imagining how much fun it will be to tell their origin story at a Family Reunion BBQ.

AUNT: How did you two meet?
LAURA: He cheated at my casino.
SHADOW: And, she caught me so I waited for her in an empty parking lot to invite myself to her house.
LAURA: Then, we had rough sex, and realized we were soulmates.
AUNT: Uh-huh…yeah…excuse me, I’m gonna go get more potato salad.

#5 Episode Director Craig Zobel

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Hi, I’m Craig. I look like basic James Van Der Beek.

Craig Zobel is an incredible director. If you’ve never seen his film ‘Compliance’ I highly recommend it. It was one of the only films in 2012 that shOok me like a skeleton in the wind.

In this episode of American Gods every frame is specific, gorgeous, and informative. Emily Browning, the actor who plays Laura, praised his ability to help her get deeper into character. Craig is a phenomenal talent, and I wish this wasn’t boring to read.

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Here’s a screen grab of everyone on set celebrating how great Craig is at his job.

#6 From Whips & Chains To Whipped & Lame

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When the honeymoon period of Laura and Shadow’s relationship is over she gets hella bored with him. He changed from an unlucky bad boy to a reformed school girl. Sure, he still looks rough and tumble, but now she’s his master and has him house broken. Then again, what did she expect when their relationship is built on a foundation flimsier than a wet paper towel holding a bowling ball?

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Great Sex.

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Relatable Sex.

#7 *Extremely Ron Howard Voice*

Laura wants Shadow to rob her casino. Here’s how it broke down with Ron Howard’s voice doing the narration like on “Arrested Development”.

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*It wasn’t*

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*He did*

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*She didn’t*

#8 The Oddest Pick Up Lines Work With Laura

FLASHBACK: Here’s Shadow’s pick up line before going to her house for fun aggressive sex.

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PRESENT DAY: Here’s Robbie’s pick up line after burying her cat, and before they hook up.

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Laura, c'mon! I know you’re a borderline sociopath who needs danger to feel alive, but Robbie revealing he has a lot of buried pets in his yard is something a psychopath shares when he thinks he’s making small talk.
Here’s that same Family Reunion BBQ if Robbie and Laura went together:

AUNT: How’d you two meet?
LAURA: He’s my neighbor.
ROBBIE: I’m cheating on my wife with her. This one night, you tell it–
LAURA: –One night my cat died, he buried it, then told me he has tons of dead pets buried in his yard too!
ROBBIE: Then, I kissed her!
ROBBIE/LAURA: HaHaHaHaHa…!
AUNT: Excuse me while I get more potato salad to put on top of my potato salad.

#9 Road Head Leads To A Hard Road

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“Aw man, Robbie’s dick, what a shitty last meal.”

OH MAMA! We all heard that Laura gave Robbie a street suck leading to their deadly car crash, but now we can say we saw it too. Nice. Only sour note, Dane Cook’s an awful singer. Hearing him sing made me wish I was dead too, or that I could bite my own dick off as a distraction from his mouth full of musical hell.

#10 Laura Cheats Death’s Hot Tub Time Machine

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An homage to Hot Tub Time Machine

FINALLY Laura has her guard up around creepy dudes. She’s played by her own rules her whole life, and that’s not stopping in the afterlife either. She lost Shadow, killed Robbie, and now some stranger tries to touch her without introducing himself?

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“No, you must take a step back.”

Quick as she’s about to tell Anubis to take a hike she’s ripped from the afterlife and sent on the mission she was born to die to come back alive for.

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But he does take a raincheck.

#11 Zombie Laura Goes Super Saiyan

Death is Laura’s second chance at life, and she’s not letting it rot away (like her skin). She goes ham on Technical Boy’s binary bitches. It’s like watched a sledge hammer fight watermelons. She goes so Super Saiyan on their supple asses that a swift kick to one henchman’s balls sends his spine in the air like a hands-free version of Sub-Zero’s fatality in Mortal Kombat.

#12 A Heart To He(F)art Between Friends

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“I need new friends.”

Betty Gilpin (she plays Audrey) is a phenom. She plays an emotional grounded, raw scene across from her adulterous zombie ex-best friend destroying her toilet. Call me embalming fluid because ‘Are you shitting me?!?’ #BestSupportingEmmyNom

PLUS, Mystery solved!!! We’ve been wondering where Robbie’s dick was after it was bitten off during the car accident—

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What a weird day for that mortician.

#13 Hey Starz, Please Make A Commercial For Ibis & Jacquel’s Funeral Parlor

“Hi bitch! I’m Jaquel of ‘Ibis & Jacquel Funeral Parlor’…”

It’s great to see a family business thrive during our countries economic collapse as big box stores and Amazon takes over. These two guys are pros at what they do, and would make an amazing commercial.

They do it all: Sew arms, weigh hearts, transcribe life stories, airbrush skin…

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Look at this incredible BEFORE / AFTER

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE!

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WAIT, THERE’S EVEN MORE!!! THEY PROMISE THEY’LL COMPLETE THEIR TASK

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All that for one easy payment of the low low price of your soul!
Call today (555) THE-DUAT !

#14 Til Death Do Us Back Together

Terrific episode, but there’s still so many question unanswered. What is Mr. Wednesday’s plan? Why is Wisconsin so important? Who’s Ricky Whittle’s personal trainer?

Episode 5 is next Sunday. Until then, as you cruise through this gray drab world I hope you find the light of life like my brother found Patrick, and Laura found Shadow Moon.

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We on an Ultralight Beam.

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