Bernie here, the junior senator and presumed underdog presidential candidate from the great state of Vermont. You know what else is from Vermont? Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.
Speaking of Ben & Jerry’s, do you know what today is?
Today is April 14th, otherwise known as “Free Cone Day” at Ben & Jerry’s ice cream cone shops. Free Cone Day, baby. That means free ice cream in a cone or (because it’s America and it’s a free country and you get to choose how you’re going to pursue your own happiness) a cup. And we’re not talking about some ice shavings drenched in food coloring and corn syrup getting pushed around in a sweaty cart all day, or some long-forgotten freezer-burned Breyers shit your dad bought a few months ago when it was his turn to get groceries. Oh no. We’re talking about the premo-est of pints, the inglorious-iestly-delicious of ices. We’re talking Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.
And we’re not just talking about free samples exclusively at the end of the factory tour at the Burlington, Vermont, headquarters of Ben & Jerry’s. We’re talking free cones at all Ben & Jerry’s participating locations.
Huh. That’s funny. Ben & Jerry’s is from Vermont. Ol’ Bernie is from Vermont. So then … if the United States elected me, Bernie Sanders, to be President … would that mean that …every day could be Free Cone Day???
Is that a bit of a leap? Sure. You know what else is a leap? Democracy. A leap of faith … in the people.
Let me be clear. Am I, Bernie Sanders, promising right now that if you elect me as president, every citizen in America will get to wake up every morning knowing that it is Free Cone Day and experience all the joy therein associated?
Metaphorically? 100% yes that is what I’m promising.
Literally? 100% possibly yes that is what I’m promising maybe. But more than that, what I’m promising is a feeling. With Bernie Sanders as president, every day would feel like it was Free Cone Day.
Now, obviously, I’m not saying that in a Bernie Sanders Is President America you will be able to walk into a grocery store and get a free pint of Ben & Jerry’s. It’s not called Free Pint Day or Free Quart Day. It’s called “Free Cone Day.” Being able to walk into a grocery store and get a free pint of ice cream won’t happen in a Bernie Sanders Is President America or any America.
Now, you probably have some questions:
Q: Bernie, what does it mean that you describe yourself as a “democratic socialist”? Could it mean that if you are elected president every day in America will be Free Cone Day?
A: It sure could mean that, yes.
Q: Bernie, you’re seen as a long shot, since the praise that you have received for your promotion of Scandinavian-style social democracy is also what conservatives will hold against you. So, therefore, are we to infer that little Norwegian children get free ice cream cones every day and is that something that would be feasible to implement on the scale of a larger country like the United States?
A: Firstly, as an American, it’s your privilege and duty to infer whatever you want about the daily lives of citizens of other countries. To answer the second part of your question, my favorite flavor is Cherry Garcia.
Q: Senator Sanders, are you saying that you are running for president on primarily on a platform of free ice scream for all citizens? Where would the funding come from for that? And aren’t there more pressing social issues that should be prioritized?
A: Let me answer that question with this photo of people eating a Ben & Jerry’s Vermonster, a plastic bucket filled with 20 scoops of ice cream, hot fudge, caramel, nuts, brownie bits, cookies, bananas, whipped cream, and four more toppings of your choice.
In conclusion, it is with great pride that I return to the campaign slogan that got me elected to president of my sixth-grade class: If You Want Every Day To Be Like Free Cone Day, Vote For Bernie.