Ah, millennials. They’ve killed so many things, like the 9-to-5 work week, dinner dates, cruises, running, and napkins, but what about a truly important facet of modern society: the dick pic? As true, red-blooded Americans, we can’t stand for this defacement of our culture. Here are seven ways millennials are killing the dick pic industry.
1. They’re too sensitive.
I can’t believe how these millennials take offense at every little thing! When I tried to send a 20 year old a beautiful portrait of my Johnson, she told me she was going to call the cops! Call the cops? For my expression of true love? That is such an extreme reaction to me expressing how I feel! It just makes me sick.
2. They’re so politically correct.
American men show off the body part they’re most proud of and they call it “triggering” and “unsolicited” “shriveled up” “sort of bent at a weird angle” and “gross.” Our peens give humanity LIFE! Next thing you know, I’ll have to tell them how my arm identifies as a person of color, or that my nose is graysexual!
3. They hate commitment.
You know when you’re getting to know a girl and you think it’s going really well, so you send her a fun snapshot of how she makes your little friend feel and she stops responding? Probably because she’s out getting it on with some other dude! She never wanted to be with you in the first place. She just likes the attention!
4. They’re lazy.
When it comes to responding to texts, emails, tweets, snaps, whatsapps, Facebook messages, and instagram DMs all at the same time, millennials are the worst at responding. I just wanted to make sure that my lady saw my pride and joy. Then months later at 4 AM I get a text back from her saying “haha lol just saw thisdsfkglkfkgh!!!!!” By then, I had moved on. Because I have standards.
5. They’re entitled.
These women. They think that they can just go through life without talking to men. They think they’re above my photos. That they can walk down a street without a man saying something nice to them. What person is above someone else saying they’re attractive? Back in my day, my mom married my dad BECAUSE he yelled that her bosoms were ample and then threw her in the back of his busted pick up truck! That’s true love!
6. They’re always on their phones.
When I ride the subway, spreading my legs as far as possible to get my nether regions to air out, I can’t help but notice how many girls are constantly looking at their phones. If it’s in your hands all the time, why can’t you respond to a simple pic? All I’m asking is for you to say it’s a nice one. But no, you’re too busy snapchatting your hashtag grain bowl.
7. They have too many dietary restrictions.
When I sent my ex a dick pic she said she couldn’t see me anymore because she was allergic to bananas. What patriotic American says she’s allergic to bananas? Back in my day, no one was allergic to anything. It drives me up the wall.