An Open Letter about the Sex Allegations against Santa Claus
I was going to fire him anyway, and you know, I said to myself, this handjob thing with Santa and the elf is a made-up story. The public knows. I love the uneducated.
Snowflake–who I’m suing by the way–you know he absolutely loved me when he was in my workshop begging for an elf job (and would do anything for one!) He came to me looking for a handout with his little Pinocchio face and his LONG LYIN’ NOSE! Very disloyal. Better hope there are no tapes elf!
You think ‘cause I’m soooo, soooo nice every year that I’ll let you do a hack job on me? Not the New Santa. I could bury you in an ice hole right now and still bank 32%. Enough with the lackey elves! Crybaby Snowflake!
I have great powers, GREAT! And I will end Christmas tomorrow—No more Christmas! Sorry, too bad! You can thank the Dems for that and the lib press and rest of the world.
You know what—keeping my options open—but maybe only the Russian kids get gifts this year. Guess the rest of the kids are too dumb to know this is a witch hunt. #riggedworkshop
THE ACCESS NORTH POLE TAPE IS FAKE!
How could I ‘grab an elf by the balls’? Nobody has ever seen an elf ball. Too Small! Not even the size of a munchkin. Look at the size of Weepy’s hands! Tiny Weepy Snowflake. Trust me, if I fondled Tiny’s balls with my big calloused mitts he would know it! And if I did happen to detect those little mosquito bites, it’d be a miracle and I’d tell the whole world.
And that satisfied little perverted elf would be in ecstasy and wouldn’t say a damn thing to anyone because it’d be the BEST CHRISTMAS HANDJOB EVER! And he’d want to keep that special thing to himself and not offend his BOSS!
I didn’t fire Tiny Snowflake because he accused me of cupping his ring dings; I fired him because he lied to FBI about it. FAKE NEWS invented as an excuse by Crooked Hill for losing the election.
Next thing you know, Pocahontas will say her people are part elf! I know elves—Little Marco is an elf—you’re no elf Pocahontas! And now I hear from an extremely credible source that Crazy Bernie wants to start giving elves welfare—ELFFARE! #draintheglacier